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Shangri-LIE
09-23-2009, 01:19 PM
This is for those of us who wish to share stories of sexcapade blunders, and fouls.

Explain a scenario of a time when you commited acts of "fornicative" malpractice, such as but not limited to..

- Accidently killing someone during a rough BDSM session.
- Passing out from drug use before letting the person you have caged in your "gonzo room" full of ferrets out.
- Waking up and finding out that you are the guy on "2 kids and a Sandbox" ect..

Well, I'll start it out. One time I had a girl assume the asswards position, and attempted to do a roller blading trick. I had a ramp built, and a rope attatched to the bumper of my friends car. The car took off at what seemed to be mach speed. I hit the ramp intending on plunging into her from behind. I was midair, hand smack high, and cock behold, gliding in slow motion when I realized something horrifying. My friend had hit her with his car. He was high. She spent weeks in recovery and eventually died. Don't get high before you get behind the wheel. This has been a PSA from the PresidentofWhatever.

Share your stories....

ShelfLife
09-23-2009, 02:36 PM
^^ ....okay.

I've got a good one. I call it Redefining Phone Sex.

Early on in our relationship, I went over and visited my boyfriend. He had been saying something about phones the last few times I'd seen him, and that time, once I was tied up and gagged on the bed, he crept over between my legs, put something into a condom (I couldn't see), then I felt a second of intense pain, then nothing.

Smirking, he went up to the landline and dialed a number, then watched me. Nothing. He tried again, nothing, he went, "Hmm," and "Well, I guess I'll take it out then."

He went back between my legs, looked down and then went, "Hrmmm...I don't think I can take it out." Then he looked at me, all sexy eyes and smirks gone, and said, "I'm serious, I think it's stuck."

He took off the gag and I said, "What's going on? What the hell did you put inside me?"

And he said, "My mobile phone," and immediately burst out laughing. Then he stopped, looked at me, and said, with all the gutso of a midwife, "PUSH!"

There was about five minutes of him laughing, looking down there nervously, and trying to work out what to do, and me, by now untied, moaning and covering my face with my hands, certain that I was going to have to go to the ER and explain to the doctors why I had a condom-wrapped phone inside me.

Eventually, I said, "You put it in there, you fucking take it out," and he pulled it out and I bled for a bit afterwards, then I curled under the covers and said, "I'm going to go to sleep and pretend this never ever happened," and he couldn't stop neither laughing or apologising.

Though, looking back on it, it's highly amusing how stupid we both were. Of course it wouldn't vibrate inside me, there is no fucking reception up my pussy!

Shangri-LIE
09-23-2009, 04:31 PM
^^

WoW. Imagine if it had started ringing or vibrating?!?!?!?

Anyway, that seems funny to me. But I can see how it wasn't to you. hehe

Dronepool
09-23-2009, 07:05 PM
That phone story is pretty funny, heh.

I don't think I could contribute to any wild sex accident stories. Not anything recent anyway. I've been too socially closed off to interact with most people, besides co-workers and when I'm out buying stuff. So I lead a pretty unadventurous life for the most part. Well, for the last 2 years or so.

I don't remember anything being accidental and besides I've been high and dry for the last year and few months. Unless not being able to 'finish' because of not being into it at all counts as an accident. Even if I did remember something, if it was too crazy I think that I would feel weird talking about it.

Celiny-O
09-23-2009, 10:00 PM
ShelfLife, that was one of the best things I have ever read. Thank you. :P
I don't think anyone could top ShelfLife and PresidentofWhatever.

I don't have anything particularly interesting to contribute.
Mainly just things like:
Bashing heads.
When I first had sex standing up, we almost fell over.
When Ben was talking dirty to me, instead of naughty, he said nerdy. I couldn't stop laughing.
Obviously the mood was ruined after that.

ShelfLife
09-23-2009, 10:24 PM
^^

WoW. Imagine if it had started ringing or vibrating?!?!?!?

Anyway, that seems funny to me. But I can see how it wasn't to you. hehe

That was his intention. ;)

Didn't work of course, but I think it was worth the trauma then just to have an awesome story to tell you guys now. And in hindsight, it wasn't the most traumatic sex-related incident we'd had in our relationship. But definitely the funniest. :3

S.D.
09-24-2009, 03:35 AM
The only sex accident I can think of is PresidentofWhatever.

303
09-24-2009, 04:41 PM
The only sex accident I can think of is PresidentofWhatever.

Zing

This girl kneed me in the balls once. Was a bit of a mood killer.

Shangri-LIE
09-24-2009, 04:47 PM
The only sex accident I can think of is PresidentofWhatever.

It wasn't an accident, so stop expressing "buyers remorse". You weren't drugged or raped. YOU BOUGHT THE PLANE TICKET LAST WEEK. YOU WINED AND DINED ME. THE REST ONLY YOU AND I KNOW ABOUT. I can still feel your breath on my earlobe. Mistake my fucking ass, which you loved BY THE WAY!

The Empirical Guy
09-24-2009, 11:07 PM
The only sex accident I can think of is PresidentofWhatever.

Zing

This girl kneed me in the balls once. Was a bit of a mood killer.

I've had that. I've also had the dog come in and stick an extra tongue in while making out. I've also poked my girlfriend in the eye as it was dark. It was with a finger though, which makes it slightly less humorous.

YDG
09-25-2009, 01:36 AM
I guess I haven't really had many sex accidents, nothing that memorable anyway. Bashed heads a few times, almost fallen while trying to do it standing, hit my head on the ceiling of the car. Oh, and one time he went to cum in my mouth but it got in my eye hahaha that kinda sucked. But that's about it. I've gotten really bad rug burn on my left knee, and one time the thing you insert the seatbelt into rubbed away many layers of my skin on my right knee and I had a few scabs. This all left multiple scars. :/

Method Man
09-25-2009, 01:56 AM
^ You like to shag in cars don't you.

YDG
09-25-2009, 02:04 AM
I don't really like it, I'd really prefer not to do so as much as I do, but it's usually just about the only option. The guy I'm with works all day, and when he gets back at like one in the morning and comes over I can't have him in my room. And my mom is up all night so I can't sneak him in. My driveway goes into my backyard so he pulls his car into there, and that's usually where it ends up happening. :/

Method Man
09-25-2009, 02:19 AM
maybe you could fold the back seats down, more room and less scars. Sorry if i'm going a little of topic.

Back to topic, I haven't had any bad accidents. But I have done the fallen out of bed and cutting my head open on the bed side table. I banged it right on the corner. and then her mum walked in. Luckily when her mum was in my girlfriend at the time never took her top off. So it wasn't too obvious, I think.

Celiny-O
09-25-2009, 03:14 AM
Bashed heads a few times, almost fallen while trying to do it standing
I guess you and I are alike. :P


Oh, and one time he went to cum in my mouth but it got in my eye hahaha that kinda sucked. :/
Whilst I was giving my boyfriend a handjob he came in his own eye. It was hilarious...for me at least.

Barbarella
09-25-2009, 05:34 AM
I once killed a man during sex. But it wasn't an accident. I meant to do it.

secretsquirrely
09-25-2009, 05:45 AM
well my wife fell off of the bed once. She came sauntering over with that look in her eyes. she was all sexied up and starting to peel clothing off...then she went to sit and...KERPLOP, she missed by half a centimeter. There was crying, laughing, and owwing. Needless to say the modd was gone after that.

and wow that's really sad Presidentofwhatever :(

The Empirical Guy
09-25-2009, 06:42 AM
Luckily when her mum was in my girlfriend

I had to read over this a couple of times before I understood what you meant.

Procrastinator
09-25-2009, 10:42 AM
I clearly can't compete with the stories others have shared, but here goes anyway:

Leaving the details to your imagination, I'll just say that there was blood on the wall.


Oh, and one night, my (then) boyfriend and I had sex in the park, next to a fountain, which was cool. Someone walked by us and drank water, then went away, which was also cool. But when we started picking up our clothes, his were all in dog shit and he had to throw them away. Actually, I didn't take any of my clothes off, just a trouser leg. He always carried extra clothes with himself, even when there was no need to...

Miss Lisa
09-25-2009, 11:24 AM
One time I was kind of cuddled on top of my boyfriend on the sofa... I felt myself slipping off so I put my elbow out to balance myself... well I still fell off and he got my elbow in his crotch. LOL.

Holocaust_King
09-25-2009, 04:24 PM
One time my girlfriend asked me why I smelled like cotton candy.

I told her I went to the carnival.

Let's leave it at that.

S.D.
09-26-2009, 03:52 AM
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.

This is the best response to any thread ever, so don't even try to do any better.

Shangri-LIE
09-26-2009, 07:52 AM
I once killed a man during sex. But it wasn't an accident. I meant to do it.

Does your husband know about this? If not, I am worried about his safety. :s

-----------------------------------------------------

All entertaining responses. Miss Lisa, I've never had a cuddling accident, but yours is just so damn cute.

Other than that, I have one other sex accident that I've rarley talked about. One time I
was surrounded by a group of African men. They were painted with really dark body paint and clown suits made by FUBU. The smell of clown makeup, and cheeta fur made me sick, and as I was vomiting, I was forced to make love to a titless 4 foot tall aboriginie. I was caged until it gave birth. It turns out, the kid wasn't mine. It was some other fucks from a pride of Zebras.

Emma
09-27-2009, 01:49 AM
One of my exes and are were having one of those made sex sessions, hard, rough, animal like. I was on, and when he came and withdrew he noticed the blood (I know) and said "Didn't realise you were that heavy". Then he noticed that the blood wasn't from me, but him. We'd been going at it so rough that he had split the skin that attaches his foreskin to his bell end. I honestly don't think I have seen that much blood before.

He survived, though we couldn't have sex for a few weeks.

Poor guy!

AlcoholicArtist
09-27-2009, 04:32 AM
One of my exes and are were having one of those made sex sessions, hard, rough, animal like. I was on, and when he came and withdrew he noticed the blood (I know) and said "Didn't realise you were that heavy". Then he noticed that the blood wasn't from me, but him. We'd been going at it so rough that he had split the skin that attaches his foreskin to his bell end. I honestly don't think I have seen that much blood before.

He survived, though we couldn't have sex for a few weeks.

Poor guy!
I've herd that happen to other guys as well :| is it meant to happen??

Emma
09-27-2009, 04:35 AM
Nope, not meant to, but it happens sometimes.

Shangri-LIE
09-27-2009, 06:52 PM
Nope, not meant to, but it happens sometimes.

I've always been afraid of that happening. So, I usually just let/make a girl go down on me for around 20 minutes. Then I make her take off her pants, and finish up real quick doggy style at a pace that makes me cum but not enough to turn her on. It only takes 8 seconds or so. So, it isn't cruel.

Celiny-O
09-27-2009, 07:11 PM
This isn't about sex, but Ben and I were making out on his bed and he was fingering me. I was naked.
He doesn't have curtains, he has blinds instead, so you can sort of see through the gaps.
His mum was outside the window starting up the chainsaw and she happened to see us, including the back of my naked body through the blinds.
It was pretty embarrassing since I'm quite self concious about my body, even if it was just my back and my ass.

Emma
09-28-2009, 02:02 AM
Nope, not meant to, but it happens sometimes.

I've always been afraid of that happening. So, I usually just let/make a girl go down on me for around 20 minutes.

Like I say, it was angry, animal sex, the kind that starts as ripping off pants and fucking.


Then I make her take off her pants, and finish up real quick doggy style at a pace that makes me cum but not enough to turn her on. It only takes 8 seconds or so. So, it isn't cruel.

You're a bastard! ;-)

Method Man
09-28-2009, 02:09 AM
Poor guy!

Yeah that happened to one of my mates at school. He came in to school a few days after it happened and said 'guys I have broken my banjo string'

I'm supprised your ex didn't notice. Apparently when he did it, he just jumped straight out of bed and went and cried in the toilet. Then phonned his mum who was a nurse and she took him home. Luckily another one of my friends had done it before so they could talk about it. But my other friend did it while he was wanking. lol!

Emma
09-28-2009, 02:11 AM
I'm supprised your ex didn't notice. Apparently when he did it, he just jumped straight out of bed and went and cried in the toilet. Then phonned his mum who was a nurse and she took him home. Luckily another one of my friends had done it before so they could talk about it. But my other friend did it while he was wanking. lol!

I'm surprised also, but he didn't until he withdrew. I have no idea.

zwiebelsaft
09-29-2009, 04:31 AM
One of my exes and are were having one of those made sex sessions, hard, rough, animal like. I was on, and when he came and withdrew he noticed the blood (I know) and said "Didn't realise you were that heavy". Then he noticed that the blood wasn't from me, but him. We'd been going at it so rough that he had split the skin that attaches his foreskin to his bell end. I honestly don't think I have seen that much blood before.

He survived, though we couldn't have sex for a few weeks.

Poor guy!
http://i13.photobucket.com/albums/a299/Tainted_Malice/random/horrified.jpg

antichristangel
10-02-2009, 04:45 PM
so.... not a sex accident exactly, but heres my story
last weekend my guy and i went to a reggae concert and ended up "dancing" (aka grinding) the entire night. We got back to his house, started getting into it, and pants come off. I'm starting to jerk him off and I realize there is a huge amount of flesh on his penis that I hadn't ever noticed before. I asked him what it was and he shrugged it off, said it was probably just his foreskin feeling weird because hes uncircumcised. I forgot about it, it was kinda dark so I couldn't really see, and I was too preoccupied to really think about it. When he got up to get a condom he turned on the light and I looked over and it just looked really odd, so I asked him about it again. So this time he reallllyy payed attention to it, and there was the HUGEST blister I have ever seen on the head of his dick, which we assume was a result from it rubbing up against his pants during the night's activities

needless to say, we didn't continue with anything sexual, and he spent the rest of the night trying to get high enough so he'd be in the right state of mind to let me pop it. oddly enough it didn't really pop, but it was gone the next day

ShelfLife
10-02-2009, 05:11 PM
so.... not a sex accident exactly, but heres my story
last weekend my guy and i went to a reggae concert and ended up "dancing" (aka grinding) the entire night. We got back to his house, started getting into it, and pants come off. I'm starting to jerk him off and I realize there is a huge amount of flesh on his penis that I hadn't ever noticed before. I asked him what it was and he shrugged it off, said it was probably just his foreskin feeling weird because hes uncircumcised. I forgot about it, it was kinda dark so I couldn't really see, and I was too preoccupied to really think about it. When he got up to get a condom he turned on the light and I looked over and it just looked really odd, so I asked him about it again. So this time he reallllyy payed attention to it, and there was the HUGEST blister I have ever seen on the head of his dick, which we assume was a result from it rubbing up against his pants during the night's activities

needless to say, we didn't continue with anything sexual, and he spent the rest of the night trying to get high enough so he'd be in the right state of mind to let me pop it. oddly enough it didn't really pop, but it was gone the next day


Someone bring the rep-system back, this is the funniest thing I've heard all week! :D

Emma
10-03-2009, 01:14 AM
I am so glad I have not had breakfast yet. Saying that, fuck you, I've now been put off my scrambled eggs. ;-)

Mi-CroMartie
10-03-2009, 06:41 AM
One of my exes and are were having one of those made sex sessions, hard, rough, animal like. I was on, and when he came and withdrew he noticed the blood (I know) and said "Didn't realise you were that heavy". Then he noticed that the blood wasn't from me, but him. We'd been going at it so rough that he had split the skin that attaches his foreskin to his bell end. I honestly don't think I have seen that much blood before.

He survived, though we couldn't have sex for a few weeks.

Poor guy!

Jesus Mary and Seacrest!!! Thank goodness for virginity.. Sheesh. :( Remind me never ever to get behind you. ;)

M Tragedy666
10-05-2009, 06:54 AM
Anyone read Tucker Max's writings? He's got a movie in theaters rignt now titled the same as his book, "I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell". I thought some of you might enjoy this story.

If you unfamiliar with his work and like the story below, go to his site: www.tuckermax.com (http://www.tuckermax.com) and www.ihopetheyservebeerinhell.com (http://www.ihopetheyservebeerinhell.com)


Tucker Tries Buttsex; Hilarity does not ensue


I spent the summer between my 2nd and 3rd year of college suckling on the parental teat in South Florida. It was the absolute prime of my "do anything to get laid" phase. I was recently freed from a 4-year long-distance relationship that began in high school and I wanted nothing more than to have sex with as many girls as possible.

Most of the things I did that summer are not story-worthy; you can only tell the same, "I got drunk on Dom and fucked this hottie" story so many times before it gets annoying. That summer I experienced every random sex situation that a 20 year old can imagine: fucking on the beach, getting head from random girls in club bathrooms, sleeping with 3 different girls in a day, getting so drunk I passed out during sex, getting arrested for receiving fellatio in the pool at the Delano, blah, blah, blah...Jesus. What does it say about how fucked up my life is that I don't consider these stories to be extraordinary anymore?


Anyway, while most of my stories may not be extraordinary for me, there is one very notable exception...

I was seeing one girl, "Jaime," about twice a week. She was a fresh arrival to South Beach, having moved there 5 months ago from upstate New York as a 19 year old with a modeling contract. We met through a mutual friend who befriended her while they were shooting a TV commercial. Five weeks and lots of sex later, she thought we were dating. I knew better, but she was way too hot to bother correcting her assumption.

The ex-girlfriend of 4-years I previously spoke about was very sexually conservative. It was missionary in the dark and then straight to sleep, with maybe a blowjob on the weekends if she'd had a few glasses of wine with dinner (it was a high school relationship, I didn't know any better). After four years of this, I was ready to experience all the things I'd missed out on (when I wasn't cheating on her, of course).

Buttsex, known in the biz as "anal," was one of these unknowns, and I decided that I wanted to try it. Jaime was the perfect partner: very hot and very sweet, and more importantly, very na´ve and very open to suggestion.

She was reluctant at first, not understanding why we just couldn't keep having normal sex, so I had to employ my persuasive powers:

Jaime "But...I've never done it."
Tucker "I've never done it either; it can be our thing."

Jaime "But...I don't know if I'll like it."
Tucker "You won't have to worry about getting pregnant."

Jaime "But...I like normal sex."
Tucker "Everyone's doing anal. It's the new black."

Jaime "But...I don't know...it seems weird."
Tucker "It's the preferred method in Europe. Especially with the runway models. Don't you want to do runways in Europe?"

After a few weeks of this, she finally consented. Though she agreed to let me put my penis in her small hole, she extracted a promise in return:

"OK, we can try anal sex, but I want it to be special and romantic. You have to take me out to a nice place, like The Forge or Tantra, NOT one of your parent's restaurants, and it has to be a weekend night, NOT a Monday. And you have to keep taking me out on weekends. I'm tired of being your Monday night girl."

I made reservations for the next Friday at Tantra. Aside from being insanely expensive, Tantra is famous for having grass floors. Really; they put in new sod every week. They also advertise their food as "aphrodisiac cuisine." Yes, at that point in my life, I thought these things worked.

Thanks to my father's connections, I got us a corner booth in the grass room. She was quite impressed. I ordered like it was the Last Supper. No expense was spared. Two $110 bottles of merlot, veal rack, stone crabs, the Tantra Love platter--it was lavish and decadent. I was 21, stupid, and wanted to fuck Jaime in the butt; I wasn't about to let a $400 tab get in my way.

By the time we left Tantra, this girl had doe eyes that made Bambi look like a heroin-chic CK model. She could not have been more in love with me. The entire drive back to my place she was rubbing my crotch, telling me how badly she wanted to me to fuck her, how hot I made her, etc, etc. We get back to my place and our clothes are off before we even get in the door. We collapse on the bed and start fucking. Normal vaginal sex at first, just like always.

Now, what she did not know, and what I have not told you yet, was that I had a surprise waiting for her.

[Aside: Before I tell you what the surprise was, let me make this clear: As I stand right now, 27 as of this writing, I am a bad person. At 21, I was possibly the worst person in existence. I had no regard for the feelings of others, I was narcissistic and self-absorbed to the point of psychotic delusion, and I saw other people only as a means to my happiness and not as humans worthy of respect and consideration. I have no excuse for what I did; it was wrong and I regret it. Even though I normally revel in my outlandish behavior, sometimes even I cross the line, and this is one of those situations....but of course, I'm still going to write about it.]

This was going to be my first time foraging in the ass forest, and I wanted to have a reminder of my trip, a memento I could carry with me the rest of my life...so I decided to film us.

I planned this beforehand, but I was afraid she would decline, so instead of being mature and discussing this with Jaime, I just made the executive decision to get it on camera...without telling her.

That alone is pretty bad. But instead of just setting up a hidden camera...I got my friend to hide in my closet and film it.

No really--I know that I will burn in hell. At this point, I'm just hoping that my life can serve as a warning to others.

I left my door unlocked and we arranged it so that around midnight my friend would go over to my place and wait until my car pulled in, and then run into the closet and get the camera ready. The top half of the closet door was a French shutter, so it was easy to move the slats and give him a decent camera shot through the closed door.

By the time Jaime and I got to the bed, I was so drunk I had forgotten that he was filming this, and of course she had no idea he was there. After a few minutes of standard sex, she kinda stopped and said, all serious and in her best seductive soap opera voice, "I'm ready."

I quickly flipped her over and grabbed the brand new bottle of AstroGlide I had on my bedside table.

A week prior, after Jaime consented to buttsex, I realized that I didn't have any idea how to do it. How exactly do you fuck a girl in the ass? Luckily, I had the world's best anal sex informational resource at my disposal: The gay waiter. I consulted several gay waiters who worked at one of my parents restaurants about the mechanics of buttsex, and each one recommended AstroGlide as the lubricant of choice. Much to my dismay, I learned that spitting on your dick is not enough lube for buttsex. Stupid, lying porn movies.

The other important piece of advice I remembered was from Calvin, "Make sure you use enough, because if this is her first time, she'll be especially tight, and it might hurt her. Use enough to really loosen her up and go slow until she gets used to it. Then it's smooth sailing from there."

Well, since some is good, more is better, right? At 21, this seemed logical.

I opened the cap, crammed the bottle top into her asshole, and squeezed. I probably emptied half of the 4-ounces of AstroGlide into her. I have since learned from homosexuals that a 4-ounce bottle usually lasts them about 6 months. So yeah--I overdid it.

But Tucker Max wasn't done. Oh no, after depositing enough grease in her to run a Formula One racecar, I dumped half of what remained onto my cock and balls, really wanting to lube up because I didn't want her to be uncomfortable.

Really--consider my thought process: I was going to fuck her in the butt and film it without her consent, yet I was truly concerned about her personal comfort. Sometimes the contradictions in my personality even amuse me.

Predictably, I slid in with ease. She was a little tense at first, but with an Exxon Valdez size load spilled into her poop chute, she quickly loosened up and got into it. I liked it also; it had a different feel to it. Not as good as vaginal sex, a little grainy, kinda tight, but still very nice.

Before I knew it I was fucking her like the apocalypse was imminent, burying it to the hilt with impunity. After a few minutes I was ready to come. My urgency was expressed in my tempo, and I began really jackhammering her. As the excitement got the best of me, I pulled out too far and my dick came out of her ass. I kinda scrambled to grab my dick and put it back in so I could finish off inside of her, but before I could even get a hold of it and put it back in her ass, I heard a faint "psssst" sound and felt something wet and warm hit my crotch.

It was dark in the room (I was not smart or sober enough to leave the lights on for the camera), so after I looked down it took me a few seconds to realize that my dick, balls and groin area were covered in a viscous black liquid. I stopped moving and stared at my strangely colored crotch for a good 5 seconds, completely confused, until I realized what happened:

"Did you...did you just...shit on my dick??"

I reached down to touch the liquid feces, still in complete and utter disbelief that this girl shot explosive diarrhea on my penis, when, without warning, the smell hit me.

I have a very sensitive nose, and I have never been more repulsed by a smell in my life. The combination of synthetic AstroGlide and rancid stench of raw fecal matter combined to turn my stomach, which was full of seafood, veal and wine, completely over.

I tried to hold it back. I really did everything I could to stop myself, but there are certain physical reactions that are beyond conscious control. Before I knew what I was doing, it just came out:

"BBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH"

I vomited all over her ass. Into her crack. Into her asshole. On her ass cheeks. On the small of her back. Everywhere.

She turned her head, said, "Tucker, what are you doing?," saw me vomiting on her, screamed "Oh my God!," and immediately joined me:

"BBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH"

Watching her throw up on my bed made me vomit even more. Her vomiting all over my bed, me vomiting on her ass, the next step was almost inevitable.

I heard the loud CRASH first, turned to see my friend break through the shutters and rip the closet door off as he, the video camera, and the door tumbled out of the closet and crashed onto the floor next to us:

"BBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH"

The memory of the 2-second span where all three of us were vomiting at once is permanently seared into my brain. I have never heard anything like that symphony of sickness. It was like something out of the old Pink Panther movies.

I think the crowning moment was when my eyes locked with Jaime's, I saw her moment of realization and then her quick shift from shock and surprise to complete and irreparable anger. Between bouts of hurling she flipped out:

"OH MY GOD--BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH--YOU FILMED THIS, YOU ASSHOLE-- BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH-- HOW COULD YOU-- BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH--I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME--BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH--OH MY GOD-- BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH--I LET YOU FUCK ME IN THE ASS--BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH."

She tried to stand up, slipped on the huge puddle of backflow AstroGlide on the bed, and fell into both my pile and her pile of vomit, covering her body and hair in vomit, shit and anal lubricant. She flailed on the bed for a second, grabbed the top sheet, wrapped it around her, and started running out of my place. Still naked and retching, my dick covered in shit and oil, I followed her as far as my front door.

The last contact I ever had with her is the image I witnessed of her in a dead sprint, a shit, vomit and grease stained sheet stuck to her body, running from my apartment.


POST-SCRIPT:

The camera we used was one of those old fragile ones that filmed onto a VHS tape, and when he crashed out of the closet, the tape recorder and tape broke. It didn't occur to us at that the tape records the images magnetically, and we could take the actual tape itself and get someone to put it in another holster until after we had thrown it out. I know it seems stupid now, and believe me I kick myself about it everyday, but you should have seen the apartment afterwards--the tape was not a high priority. AstroGlide, shit and vomit covered EVERYTHING.

I had to rent one of those steam cleaners, buy a new mattress, and I STILL lost my deposit. It was impossible to get the smell out. The next month was like living in a sewer. Every girl I brought back to my place after that refused to stay there, and some even refused to sleep with me anywhere because of how my place smelled.

What I never found out, and I still want to know, is how the girl got home. I never heard from her again, and the mutual friend who introduced us called her but didn't get her calls returned. I never heard anything about her or from her again, even though she left her clothes and ID at my place (she wore a tight dress out that night, and didn't bring a purse or any money with her).

Can you picture that scene? What did she do, hop in taxi? Wave down a passing car? Get on the bus? She lived at least 30 miles away, there is no way she walked home. It perplexes me to this day.

I'm hoping she reads this. Maybe then I'll find out how she got home.






Not that any of you are interested, but I was at the premier screening of the film in Chicago and have a cameo here:

http://www.youtube.com/user/beerinhell# ... 5rY26dRwaM (http://www.youtube.com/user/beerinhell#play/uploads/15/J5rY26dRwaM)


I look pretty retarded. I'm sure you could spot me out. I was the one weird looking guy there. I come in the vid at about 2:13 The guy actually talked to me for about 10 mins and I said some pretty good shit but they cut it out to just one question that happened when he first came up to me and I was uncomfortable and wasnt expecting it and just replied to the question with "no comment..." I was also pretty sick with a sinus infection, so, im not sure why im sharing this with you... :/

Hopefully the dvd will show the full interviews.

Emma
10-05-2009, 07:08 AM
One of my exes and are were having one of those made sex sessions, hard, rough, animal like. I was on, and when he came and withdrew he noticed the blood (I know) and said "Didn't realise you were that heavy". Then he noticed that the blood wasn't from me, but him. We'd been going at it so rough that he had split the skin that attaches his foreskin to his bell end. I honestly don't think I have seen that much blood before.

He survived, though we couldn't have sex for a few weeks.

Poor guy!

Jesus Mary and Seacrest!!! Thank goodness for virginity.. Sheesh. :( Remind me never ever to get behind you. ;)

Well honey as you will never will get behind me, you'll know you're safe, but then saying that, he and I enjoyed ourselves even if there was the accident. ;-)

Mi-CroMartie
10-05-2009, 05:42 PM
I just looked at your myspace photos, and I refuse to say the word fat because I was once a fat-ass myself. :p But I only weigh at 180 pounds and due to the gym exercise in a few months, I lost about 10 pounds and feel lighter.

I think I'm gonna have nightmares about "super size chicks" bleeding my balls out. O___O lol.

Emma
10-06-2009, 01:28 AM
If you're going to get personal, don't.

And for your info, I used to be a size 8, (which is about a size 6 US). After a car accident, I did a lot of damage to my back which meant that I couldn't do the excercise I used to do.

But then that's no concern of yours really.

Really out of order making comments about my weight.

I guess the only thing I could do if I wanted to be a bitch though is say, I'm still getting laid.

Get off my back.

Hazekiah
10-06-2009, 02:03 AM
Wow.

What a douchebag.

:-\

Mi-CroMartie
10-06-2009, 02:56 AM
I'm not being personal. And no, I'm not stopping you in getting laid either.

I'm sorry. Also, I'm not one of those straightedge idiots forcing everyone not getting laid.

Yes, to each of their own life.. End of argument.. Thank you for your time.

10-06-2009, 03:22 AM
i want to have a sexual accident with peaches alocoholi artistia, s.d., emma, and mechanical worm combined.

Emma
10-06-2009, 03:47 AM
I just looked at your myspace photos, and I refuse to say the word fat because I was once a fat-ass myself. :p But I only weigh at 180 pounds and due to the gym exercise in a few months, I lost about 10 pounds and feel lighter.

I think I'm gonna have nightmares about "super size chicks" bleeding my balls out. O___O lol.


I'm not being personal. And no, I'm not stopping you in getting laid either.

Let me direct you to your original post. You made comments about my weight - that is getting personal. You thought you could make light out of being a big girl.

And no you're not stopping me getting laid, but your comment was making underhand remarks about my weight - if my weight to you, and me getting laid were not a problem for you, you wouldn't have brought it up.


I'm sorry. Also, I'm not one of those straightedge idiots forcing everyone not getting laid.

Who's forcing you? No one. I just decided to make a slightly bitchy remark based on yours. I couldn't care less if people chose to live a life without sex, that is their choice.


Yes, to each of their own life.. End of argument.. Thank you for your time.

I'm not going to carry on the discussion beyond this, but I was disappointed you had to take a low shot at me - and if you can't see that it hurt, I feel sorry for you.


i want to have a sexual accident with peaches alocoholi artistia, s.d., emma, and mechanical worm combined.

Loving that suggestion already.

Mi-CroMartie
10-06-2009, 03:55 AM
Like I said, I was a total dick for saying that but oftentimes, I even get made fun of not just being fat but also being a virgin myself. It also hurts me that people think they can low blow me about my weight and being a virgin..

And, yes, I apologize for being a dick. No more weight fat jokes for me then. :( Peace out.

Okay. Enough with the derailment of this thread. enjoy your sex life while you can, people! ;)

:)

Method Man
10-06-2009, 03:57 AM
I was going to say. Lets not beat round the bush, but you were being personal. But it seems to be sorted.

Ciao.

Hazekiah
10-06-2009, 04:08 AM
[center:j0iatihz]Mi-CroMartie = 4.5

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/35/196166386_56f4041858_o.jpg[/center:j0iatihz]

The Empirical Guy
10-06-2009, 05:00 AM
The Haz has spoken.

M Tragedy666, that is just... well. That is just disturbing in a strangely hilarious way.

ImNotJesus
10-08-2009, 10:45 PM
Awkward turtle much?

Also, I once farted during sex.

http://www.maximumeyewear.com/productfolder/celebrity-sunglasses/movie-sunglasses/csi-miami-horatio-sunglasses/csi-miami-horatio-caine-sunglasses.jpg

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAH!

The Empirical Guy
10-22-2009, 06:00 AM
I have severely injured my throat and neck muscles by doing naughty things with my tongue.

ImNotJesus
10-22-2009, 08:29 AM
^^^ Omg, every time I go down on a chick, I scrape that little piece of tissue that connects the bottom of my tongue to the floor of my mouth and it's sore for days.

Method Man
10-22-2009, 08:44 AM
Where are you going?

CellarOwl
10-22-2009, 08:57 AM
You both sound like you're giving head to the inside of a blender. You're doing oral, not headbutting a porn star.

The Empirical Guy
10-22-2009, 08:23 PM
Eh, I just get a little over enthusiastic sometimes, and I'm not as flexible as I used to be :p

ImNotJesus
10-24-2009, 09:12 PM
When I do it my tongue scrapes my teeth...whats so weird about that?

Peaches
10-24-2009, 11:32 PM
^ Ouch :/

Biggest sex accident I ever had was having sex in the first place.

The Empirical Guy
10-25-2009, 04:52 AM
When I do it my tongue scrapes my teeth...whats so weird about that?

That is a little weird, dude. Tongue and teeth should not be making contact. In fact I find it hard to do that even when I'm trying.

ShelfLife
10-25-2009, 04:59 AM
I have severely injured my throat and neck muscles by doing naughty things with my tongue.


^^^ Omg, every time I go down on a chick, I scrape that little piece of tissue that connects the bottom of my tongue to the floor of my mouth and it's sore for days.


When I do it my tongue scrapes my teeth...whats so weird about that?

Seriously guys, giving a girl oral should not be this complicated. :3

ImNotJesus
10-25-2009, 05:27 AM
I think what happens is I push my tongue out as far as possible (try it now). By doing so the underside of my tongue is brought into contact with my teeth if I move it side to side.

Either I'm just doing it weird or I'm some weird mutant with a retarded mouth.

Also, I'm almost certain I just heard my parents having sex. Never done that before, and it's giving me the ultimate heebey jeebeys.

Lord Hypnos
10-25-2009, 11:43 AM
My girlfriend doesn't want my pussy-grinding teeth because of my braces :(

The Empirical Guy
10-26-2009, 05:21 AM
I have severely injured my throat and neck muscles by doing naughty things with my tongue.


^^^ Omg, every time I go down on a chick, I scrape that little piece of tissue that connects the bottom of my tongue to the floor of my mouth and it's sore for days.


When I do it my tongue scrapes my teeth...whats so weird about that?

Seriously guys, giving a girl oral should not be this complicated. :3

Oh, it's not. It never usually happens. I guess I was just getting overly vigorous and it was in a rather awkward position.


I think what happens is I push my tongue out as far as possible (try it now). By doing so the underside of my tongue is brought into contact with my teeth if I move it side to side.

Either I'm just doing it weird or I'm some weird mutant with a retarded mouth.


Yeah, I'm following your instructions and it's still not that bad. I think you're a weird mutant with a retarded mouth. In any case there shouldn't be that much side-to-side movement going on. If that's what you want to do or what she likes, try just elevating your tongue off your teeth a bit.

Dark Faery
10-27-2009, 06:25 AM
My ex's foreskin pulled right back and I had to pull it forward with my fingers. He screamed a bit, but I hate him now anyway. I just wished I'd pulled on it a little harder!!

The only other thing that happened was getting caught by the police having sex behind a night club. That still makes me giggle.

consummate
10-27-2009, 10:11 AM
Fell off my parents' bed and landed RIGHT on top of her!

emilydarkside
10-27-2009, 03:19 PM
I was fooling around with this guy who choked me....but took it a little too far. I love when men caress, bite, lick, nuzzle, etc. my neck, and I was totally into it when he started choking me, but after a couple of minutes I started seeing the fuzzy pepper and salt static that you see on a tv, felt my body temperature increase, and I felt like I was high. I passed out for a brief second until he released his hands from my neck and I started to breathe again. I guess that's what David Carradine felt like before he DIED.


mmmm asphyxiation :)

The Empirical Guy
10-28-2009, 03:06 AM
Ok, I stress that this did not, in any way, happen to me. It actually was someone I know, and NOT "some one I know ie; myself".

This chick was giving her boyfriend head and got her tongue piercing caught on his foreskin. As in, REALLY caught. That thing was not coming off. In the end they had to get her mother to drive her to the hospital where they had a very embarrassing sit in the waiting room, all the while with his dick still in her mouth.

Mary
10-28-2009, 04:26 AM
I'm surprised they could stay in that same position for the whole time! Unless one of them moved and more damage was done in the process of waiting.. o.O

Method Man
10-28-2009, 04:34 AM
Empirical Guy, how the fuck does that happen?

ImNotJesus
10-28-2009, 05:08 AM
Ok, I stress that this did not, in any way, happen to me. It actually was someone I know, and NOT "some one I know ie; myself".

This chick was giving her boyfriend head and got her tongue piercing caught on his foreskin. As in, REALLY caught. That thing was not coming off. In the end they had to get her mother to drive her to the hospital where they had a very embarrassing sit in the waiting room, all the while with his dick still in her mouth.

Clear and very precise evidence that God exists, and he is a douche.

The Empirical Guy
10-28-2009, 05:27 AM
I'm surprised they could stay in that same position for the whole time! Unless one of them moved and more damage was done in the process of waiting.. o.O

I don't know. I guess they'd have some ability to move if they were very careful about it. I just wish I could see the security camera footage from the hospital that day. Guy with head split open, guy with broken leg... girl with dick stuck in mouth.


Empirical Guy, how the fuck does that happen?

I have no idea. I've heard of similar things with braces, but piercings? Just no idea.

Dysmorphia
11-06-2009, 02:37 AM
[quote="crippled_plaything":10lruiyf]I'm surprised they could stay in that same position for the whole time! Unless one of them moved and more damage was done in the process of waiting.. o.O

I don't know. I guess they'd have some ability to move if they were very careful about it. I just wish I could see the security camera footage from the hospital that day. Guy with head split open, guy with broken leg... girl with dick stuck in mouth.


Empirical Guy, how the fuck does that happen?

I have no idea. I've heard of similar things with braces, but piercings? Just no idea.[/quote:10lruiyf]

What happend was the girl's lipiercing came loose and hooked on to her boyfriend's dick. Unfortunately for the couple, the girl had to call her mother home from work to take her and her boyfriend to the hospital. They threw a sheet over them in the waiting room. LOL.

The Empirical Guy
11-07-2009, 07:22 AM
[quote=The Empirical Guy][quote="crippled_plaything":9rb7gfre]I'm surprised they could stay in that same position for the whole time! Unless one of them moved and more damage was done in the process of waiting.. o.O

I don't know. I guess they'd have some ability to move if they were very careful about it. I just wish I could see the security camera footage from the hospital that day. Guy with head split open, guy with broken leg... girl with dick stuck in mouth.


Empirical Guy, how the fuck does that happen?

I have no idea. I've heard of similar things with braces, but piercings? Just no idea.[/quote:9rb7gfre]

What happend was the girl's lipiercing came loose and hooked on to her boyfriend's dick. Unfortunately for the couple, the girl had to call her mother home from work to take her and her boyfriend to the hospital. They threw a sheet over them in the waiting room. LOL.[/quote:9rb7gfre]

Thanks for clearing that up for everyone. LOL @ that person. Her mother is pretty cool though. She kept me fed in a concert line.

Shangri-LIE
11-07-2009, 03:17 PM
I had an accident once that caused a pregnancy scare. She had taken her birth control a few hours prior to me begging her for oral sex. She said "O.K. I'll make it quick, as I have things to do". So, she started and I thrust it into the back of her throat gagging her as I came, inducing vomiting and getting bitched at. Later that night, we had sex at my begging once again, and without thinking, came inside her. The next day, she wasn't feeling good, and we talked about what had happened. We freaked out, got a pregnancy test, and sat their for what was the most suspense filled moments of my life. It came back negative. It was SUCH a relief.

Miss Lisa
11-07-2009, 03:46 PM
I had an accident once that caused a pregnancy scare. She had taken her birth control a few hours prior to me begging her for oral sex. She said "O.K. I'll make it quick, as I have things to do". So, she started and I thrust it into the back of her throat gagging her as I came, inducing vomiting and getting bitched at. Later that night, we had sex at my begging once again, and without thinking, came inside her. The next day, she wasn't feeling good, and we talked about what had happened. We freaked out, got a pregnancy test, and sat their for what was the most suspense filled moments of my life. It came back negative. It was SUCH a relief.
A pregnancy test can't tell you if you're pregnant within one day, and you don't start getting symptoms that early either. But glad it was OK lol.

Shangri-LIE
11-07-2009, 04:30 PM
[quote="Shangri-LIE":151zcjkm]I had an accident once that caused a pregnancy scare. She had taken her birth control a few hours prior to me begging her for oral sex. She said "O.K. I'll make it quick, as I have things to do". So, she started and I thrust it into the back of her throat gagging her as I came, inducing vomiting and getting bitched at. Later that night, we had sex at my begging once again, and without thinking, came inside her. The next day, she wasn't feeling good, and we talked about what had happened. We freaked out, got a pregnancy test, and sat their for what was the most suspense filled moments of my life. It came back negative. It was SUCH a relief.
A pregnancy test can't tell you if you're pregnant within one day, and you don't start getting symptoms that early either. But glad it was OK lol.[/quote:151zcjkm]

Thanks. It was a good thing too, because her boyfriend would have found out and killed me. : X

Miss Lisa
12-24-2009, 01:40 AM
Not quite a sex accident, but yesterday I was treated to a few delightfully cute anecdotes over Christmas dinner and drinks with a friend... the best one happened when he was lying on the bed with his girl, things beginning to get a little steamy, and his cat jumped in between them and settled down in front of her crotch. 'Cockblocked by a pussy', as he called it.

I freaking love cats. ^_^

Mary
12-24-2009, 03:00 AM
^ aww, how cute!

Shangri-LIE
12-25-2009, 09:24 AM
This one I am not kidding about.

I was watching Wheel of Fortune getting a blowjob, after about 45 minutes I farted, and it actually blew this girls hair back. lol

Peaches
12-25-2009, 10:22 AM
^........*facepalm*


Not quite a sex accident, but yesterday I was treated to a few delightfully cute anecdotes over Christmas dinner and drinks with a friend... the best one happened when he was lying on the bed with his girl, things beginning to get a little steamy, and his cat jumped in between them and settled down in front of her crotch. 'Cockblocked by a pussy', as he called it.

I freaking love cats. ^_^

That's like, the best cockblocking story EVER. Hooray for pussies!

Celiny-O
12-25-2009, 08:13 PM
Not quite a sex accident, but yesterday I was treated to a few delightfully cute anecdotes over Christmas dinner and drinks with a friend... the best one happened when he was lying on the bed with his girl, things beginning to get a little steamy, and his cat jumped in between them and settled down in front of her crotch. 'Cockblocked by a pussy', as he called it.

I freaking love cats. ^_^

Blarg, my post was deleted. Oh well, I shall type it again.
I've been in a similar situation.
One of my cats, Lacey, is really mellow.
Whilst we've been fooling around she's barged into my room and snuggled up to us.
She has slept peacefully whilst Ben and I were having rather...energetic sex, and didn't move a muscle until I moved off Ben and almost squished her.
Another time, I was giving Ben a handjob, and she kept walking up to us and snuggling inbetween us. And when he came, she tried to reach out and touch his penis.
There was a mixture of fear and hysterical laughing at that point. :P