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Shangri-LIE
04-11-2010, 08:29 PM
Some excerpts of a story I am working on. It will be updated periodically. If it sucks, don't hesitate or be modest about it. If you like it, the same rule applies.

This, what you are about to read, does not include the most graphic parts. It is a story based around events in my life. Mostly factual, though slightly altered with some exaggerations. Events that are like a history book that should be banned, and probably would be if ever put into binding.

".......Her eyes were almost paranormal. Like a swirling borealis. Like a great white as it sinks its teeth into its prey, rolling back and flickering like neon slaughterhouse advertisement signs. Like Space collapsing with every blink. They were bulbous, glittery, and starry. She was unidentifiable, but I loved her for how she made me feel. I would never understand her, as she would never be recognizable as just one person to get bored and die with. In a sense, it was like being a polygamist, only with one vessel of constantly morphing being.

Her skin was smooth, and cool to the touch. She would sigh, and I would flutter away like a dandelion unaware that I was only drifting into a vacuous, paralyzing trap. I mistook this comfortability as an escape from the painful celibacy, the feelings of vacancy, and distrust in my life. I could feel her, hold her, and taste her. It was as if she was bouroughing impressions into my pallid flesh to bury her ugliness in, and make me her twin. She would cum with me, and we would hold eachother as my cock pulsated out every drop of cum, and until her contractions slowly released their slippery grips. I'd try to fall asleep, only to hear her sloppy sucking in my head, growing louder and louder. Because of this, I couldn't sleep, whereas she was never programmed to. I felt like a hypersomniac play toy. I liked to be played with, and she knew how to play my organ perfectly.

However, what I found under her bed, I can never fully describe. Boys. Like preserved meat, and on the life support of her dripping IV cunt. Boys that she's held captive that she could unravel when she felt they could be useful to her. Instruments that she could use to fill parts of her that others couldn't.

Fucking nymphomaniacal, soul harvesting ghoul! Though, at the time, I didn't feel like that. All I felt was pleasure. I was comfortably enchained, and blindfolded on her mattress. Blanketed under her flesh, and gagged as her tongue filled my mouth with bait. Little did I know that I was slowley being exanguinated. Hollowed out into a grave for her to hide her demons in. One that she could pour dirt over, exhume, repeat process, etc.. as she wished....."

It needs some work. But there you go.

love_lolita
04-12-2010, 07:27 AM
Reading this was a great way to start my day. It was AMAZING, Shangsie!! i want to read MORE!

Shangri-LIE
04-12-2010, 08:06 AM
Reading this was a great way to start my day. It was AMAZING, Shangsie!! i want to read MORE!

heh. Glad that made your day. It was a nightmare for me. But, ....yeah. I'm working on it some more today.

love_lolita
04-12-2010, 08:09 PM
heh. Glad that made your day. It was a nightmare for me. But, ....yeah. I'm working on it some more today.

It sounds like a nightmare. But i don't want to read happy shit. If i wanted to, i would go read Cat in the Mother Fucking Hat.

Funndeath
04-13-2010, 10:01 AM
Shangs, I read this yesterday but I couldn't really collect my thoughts to say anything of worth, don't think I still can.

It was as if she was bouroughing impressions into my pallid flesh to bury her ugliness in, and make me her twin.
Sounds like a right mess, is all I can say.

Shangri-LIE
04-13-2010, 02:43 PM
Shangs, I read this yesterday but I couldn't really collect my thoughts to say anything of worth, don't think I still can.

Sounds like a right mess, is all I can say.

Thanks for reading that. For clarification, a certain person and I used to refer to eachother as twins before Manson started calling Evan his twin. So, ...hah...I just thought I'd throw that out there. I'm not mentioning any names though. The main reason for that is, because the more I've been writing, I've been finding out that I am writing about more than one relationship, more than one person. I hope it gets published, but right now it is just a project, a catharsis. I was going in the direction of trying to focus on one experience, then I realized that I have never had an amicable split, in any relationship not just romantic ones. So, it basically went from a skanky, horrifying narrative into me wanting to not only bury the casualties of my past, but to do something much "worse" with them before I do that.

ShelfLife
04-14-2010, 04:27 AM
My personal opinion - too poetic. If you want it to be poetry, continue as you're going, perhaps introduce some kind of rhythm to it also. But as prose, it's a little too descriptive. Too many short one-idea-each sentences.

I think it needs some...reality introduced back into it. Maybe not reality, but something solid, because it all feels a bit intangible, like a dream. If you're describing a dream, you're going about it very nicely, but to describe an experience...well, the constant stop-and-start of sentences is a little jarring. I just feel that sometime, maybe not right now, but maybe in a few days or a few weeks time, you should go through it and flesh it out a bit more. You've given it breath, now give it bones. And flesh.

However, there is something in this which is very nice, and I'd like to see what becomes of it, and what else you have written. Hope my advice is helpful. :)

Shangri-LIE
04-14-2010, 09:24 AM
My personal opinion - too poetic. If you want it to be poetry, continue as you're going, perhaps introduce some kind of rhythm to it also. But as prose, it's a little too descriptive. Too many short one-idea-each sentences.

I think it needs some...reality introduced back into it. Maybe not reality, but something solid, because it all feels a bit intangible, like a dream. If you're describing a dream, you're going about it very nicely, but to describe an experience...well, the constant stop-and-start of sentences is a little jarring. I just feel that sometime, maybe not right now, but maybe in a few days or a few weeks time, you should go through it and flesh it out a bit more. You've given it breath, now give it bones. And flesh.

However, there is something in this which is very nice, and I'd like to see what becomes of it, and what else you have written. Hope my advice is helpful. :)

Yeah. I am so used to just writing songs, and essays. It's been a long time since I've tried to write in this sort of format. I've taken a break from writing out new ideas, as of yesterday, for right now. I've been going over about 30 pages of stuff I've written, pertaining to this project, and I've just been trying to figure out ways to give it a strong backbone. I don't want to get to far ahead of what I've already put down. I don't want it to just be me narrating a story. I want to give it character depth. I think one of the flaws to what I am trying to do, is trying to make it too descriptive, and not leaving much room for the mind to wander. I am putting too much of a strangle hold on my ideas, and not letting them flow freely. Not to say that I am writing this to meet other peoples standards, I just realize that I want to write something that isn't discarded as pretentious, or trying too hard. I do appreciate your comments. Hopefully, someday, you'll get to read it in its entirety...or something else that I may be working on. <3

spaceSuicide
04-20-2010, 06:02 PM
You use beautiful words.

Sounds more like a poem than a prose.

Shangri-LIE
04-23-2010, 04:18 PM
You use beautiful words.

Sounds more like a poem than a prose.

It does need a tune up. I'll be posting a revised version of it soon.

Alexandra
04-24-2010, 02:08 AM
Can't wait! I like your writing style.

Shangri-LIE
04-24-2010, 07:49 PM
Can't wait! I like your writing style.

Thanks. At the moment I am just revising, and revising, and re-writing, and re-imagining, and remembering, and writing about a dream sequence where I kill someone on "repeat". :)