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Sputnik
11-11-2010, 11:28 AM
Hey guys, well inspired by a few people I've decided that it's time to write my first peice of fanfiction :]
It's a short story, and I know that i'm not such an amazing writer, but hope you enjoy it =D

Disassociative

She was sitting in silence, the only sound in the room coming from the dying laptop resting in her lap. Jeordie’s gaze was focused on the centre of the screen, her eyes skimming thought some text she was reading for her English Literature class. Coma was sitting in the corner across, under the window, blankly staring outside, humming with occasionally audible lyrics. She had a really soft, cool voice which was lulling Jeordie to sleep. She grabbed her head, trying to concentrate on her task. “In the wasteland, on our way to the Red Queen...” The room was dark, Jeordie’s corner being lit up by a table lamp placed on the floor where she was sitting next to her laptop, and Coma moonlit through the window. Word after word, quick typing was heard at one end of the room. “It’s no wonder our stage clothes, have dreams to be famous...” The typing was accelerating. “Trees in the courtyard are painted in blood, so I’ve heard...” The typing stopped, Jeordie shut the laptop and getting up pushed it aside, Coma still motionlessly staring into the night. “She hangs the headless upside down to drain...” Grabbing her trench coat, she pulled open the heavy door and swiftly left the dark room, her long black hair swishing behind her. “Eat me, drink me...” The girl walked through the alleys, finally reaching her destination, a party she was invited to by an acquaintance. “This is only a game...” She wasn’t planning to go, but decided that it would do no harm, and knocking on the door, a young man she didn’t know answered. By the looks of it, it was just another typical teenage party with music, booze and dancing, “This is only a game...” and soon after she got caught up in a conversation with an attractive looking guy who presented himself as Adam, and shortly after the two started talking, their conversation grew warmer and more relaxed as time passed. Jeordie was fairly happy about showing up for the party. “I was invited to a beheading today...” Soon afterwards though, she started noticing some strange, almost threatening, looks directed at her from a group of girls. She could tell they were younger than her, teenagers, who looked as if they have somewhat matched their outfits, and she was willing to bet they were on the same cheerleading team at school. “I thought I was a butterfly next to your flame...”Ignoring, she proceeded to have a good time, at the end of the party the couple exchanged numbers, and she left the house. Walking through the narrow streets, she heard footsteps behind her, accelerating with her as she sped up. “A rush of panic and the lock has been raped...” She spun around on the spot and found herself looking questioningly at the same group of girls. The tall blonde looked stood over her glaring, sneering. They want to have some fun, they say. “This is only a game, this is only a game...” They know her, call her by her name, Jeordie, Jeordie Winters, smirking down at her. She is slightly disturbed, not knowing who these young strangers were, asking what they want, “But then our star rushes in...” According to the bond’s hateful, jealous sounding explanations Jeordie’s broken some unspoken rule by talking to Adam, the little cult just stands there in the shadows of the alley. Hearing about her sin, Jeordie’s taken aback for a second; she has never seen this kind of drama before. “Feeling like a child, looking like a woman...” The girl gave her a hard shove against the wall. She tells them to leave her alone with Coma waiting patiently, watching from above. She tells them to stop, now getting really scared – she doesn’t want to hurt them. Just forget about it, she tells them, and by this time the girls have formed a circle around her, blocking her way. “She’s been forecast with an attempt to kill herself...”She took a step back. They say that they can’t forget, and won’t let her either; the blond snarls at her, giving her another hard push. Jeordie feel the harsh, cold brick wall forced against her back. “But the ending didn’t test well...”Sharp pain shots across her cheekbone, as a short, skinny, black-haired 19 year old hits her across the face. And another blow comes from the other side as Jeordie Winters falls to the ground. “So now picking my skin...”A kick in the ribs “...and my scales.”She tries pushing them off, but it’s pointless, there’s too many of them, all young, stupid and manipulated by jealousy and hate. “I see my horror...”Kick, blow, smash. She can feel the blood running down her face, her scratched, torn skin, her ribs, the hard, cold ground “...mirrored in the sundown of a blank stare”. The girls push her barely conscious body over. “Don’t you ever, ever approach-” “I see my horror, mirrored in the sundown of a blank stare.” “Jeordie?” They looked at her, wide-eyed. Her eyes changed colour and now looked cold and blank. “No, girls,” they heard a nasty, whispering tone, almost seductively, as the silver-haired figure rose high above them, “it’s Coma.”

She’s been forecast with
An attempt to kill herself
But the ending didn’t test well.

RevManz
11-11-2010, 01:02 PM
It's kind of interesting. :)

Also it'll probably look better if you put in paragraphs. It feels too short too. Make it longer, it seems to have potential.

Sputnik
11-11-2010, 01:19 PM
^ Hehe, yeah i know, it used to have paragraphs, but they all dissapeared when i was moving it from my document to here... and then i didn't bother doing anything with it.
Thank you! :)

Undeadgrrl
02-23-2011, 12:01 PM
I really liked it.
It seems like rather than using actual people, you personified ideas.