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Peaches
04-08-2011, 11:44 AM
I am going to do my very best to keep this little explosion of weirdness short and sweet, so as not to melt your precious eyeballs or make you facepalm into infinity. <3

I named this post "Trouble" because I feel like I am in trouble. Not because I did anything bad or wrong, or bad things are happening to me, but because I feel uncertain. And uncertainty almost always leads to trouble of some sort. I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff (sorry about the shitty cliche) and I want to jump. I want to throw myself off the fucking cliff, into the fog, into the darkness and into all that I do not know, I WANT to take that chance. But I know how the world works; my life is not a fairy tale. My dreams will not come true. So far, none of my dreams have.

I'm moving back in with my parents after 2 years of living away from home. I'm moving tomorrow, and it feels like I only left there a month ago. I'm starting a new job. I'm going to get over my phobia of cars and get a license, finally. I am 20 years old, I am beautiful, talented and smart. I hate it when people say any of those things to me, or I find myself thinking them myself. I am 20 years old, and I have wasted my life thus far.

I want to reach out for what I want and GRAB it, take it and keep it for myself but I can't. That's not how things work. I am uncertain as to how I will ever be happy or feel accomplished, I'm afraid I'm going to be trapped in my small town and never get what I truly want.



TL;DR, I am having an anxiety attack and I am afraid of everything and I hate my wasted life.

Golden Eel
04-08-2011, 12:30 PM
And uncertainty almost always leads to trouble of some sort. I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff (sorry about the shitty cliche) and I want to jump. I want to throw myself off the fucking cliff, into the fog, into the darkness and into all that I do not know, I WANT to take that chance. But I know how the world works; my life is not a fairy tale. My dreams will not come true. So far, none of my dreams have.

Only a stupid man would be absolutely certain about anything. You're right, the world isn't a fairy tale. Real shitty things happen everyday and wishful thinking alone won't make them stop. But if you let past experience of things not working out hinder you from taking that jump, then they definitely won't work out.


I'm moving back in with my parents after 2 years of living away from home. I'm moving tomorrow, and it feels like I only left there a month ago. I'm starting a new job. I'm going to get over my phobia of cars and get a license, finally. I am 20 years old, I am beautiful, talented and smart. I hate it when people say any of those things to me, or I find myself thinking them myself. I am 20 years old, and I have wasted my life thus far.

The idea that it has been a waste is coming from your own standards. Any moment spent enjoyed is never a moment wasted. What are your standards? Where do you think you should be at this point in your life?


I want to reach out for what I want and GRAB it, take it and keep it for myself but I can't. That's not how things work. I am uncertain as to how I will ever be happy or feel accomplished, I'm afraid I'm going to be trapped in my small town and never get what I truly want.

That depends on what you want. Sure, there are plenty of unrealistic dreams and wishes but I'm sure you don't want to be the first person on Mars or some extravagant feat like that. The advice I try to give to anybody is this: Enjoy every moment. We're only here for 70 years, and that's if we're lucky. That's it. We have one life, it's such a waste to spend stressing about things.

Either way, I'm not too great at helping people so if all of this just sounds like convoluted nonsense feel free to let me know.

Have you ever tried marijuana?

Norsefire
04-08-2011, 12:34 PM
I don't think life is ever wasted. Although sometimes I wonder if I should of done things differently and how much of an affect that would of had on me and my life, but whatever, this is what it is and I can't change the past but I can hopefully do things I want to do in the future.

Shangri-LIE
04-09-2011, 02:11 PM
I know what you need...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nnJZIjg7kZQ

Enigma
04-09-2011, 02:36 PM
And uncertainty almost always leads to trouble of some sort. I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff (sorry about the shitty cliche) and I want to jump. I want to throw myself off the fucking cliff, into the fog, into the darkness and into all that I do not know, I WANT to take that chance. But I know how the world works; my life is not a fairy tale. My dreams will not come true. So far, none of my dreams have.

You are 20, like me. I understand your point and I see your frustration, but I'm gonna say what I always say, and it may seem stupid or also cliché, but it's the only thing you must obey. ALWAYS do what your heart tells you to do. Forget about everything else, try not to hurt other people and live the life you want to. Do whatever you feel. And if you feel you're life's been waisted, think about what kind of things make you feel like you have a place in this world. To give an example, if you like painting, sure it will be very hard to be successful and you maybe won't live thanks to that, but you have to paint like if you were as good as Goya. I like to make music, and well, nobody knows if I will ever be a "musician" or not, but I know that's a path I have to walk and my works are very important to me, whether people like them or not, whether I show them or not. You can say this world's a bitch and you don't live in a fairy tail, that's right. But you didn't choose this world, so build your own and make it your home. It's the only way you can die in peace, I think. So yes, I'm not giving any "real" solution, I know. But if you just follow what you feel, solutions will come. They always come.

Dronepool
04-09-2011, 03:19 PM
I'm 26, never wanted to go to college and I feel like you in some ways, except I don't really have an idea of what I want. But with what you did so far (going out of town to school, moving out..ect) proves that you have the drive to get things done. Don't think of moving back as a step backwards, think of it as a step back so you can have more leverage to leap 3 steps further.

Think of it as going to the Batcave, analyzing the threat and gearing up to come out ready for war.

ThreeEyedGod
04-09-2011, 04:45 PM
I hate myself and I want to die.

jonfen
04-09-2011, 05:03 PM
Me and Rodica are too sometimes thinking the same thing: "what have we accomplished so far? nothing. we're wasting our lives, etc." not because it's necessarily true, but I think rather because this is the transitions between our more innocent years, with less responsibility and problems, and our actual LIVES, and we had certain expectations about our REAL lives (when I was around 18, I kept saying - "Oh god, in a couple of years or so, LIFE is going to begin!" - as if until then I was preparing for it) and right now we're supposed to fulfill those expectations. What we don't quite realize is that we have all the time in the world.

I mean, that's why I'm sometimes thinking that I'm just wasting my life away. Because I previously thought that there was going to be some sort of starting line, when it says "okay, GO!" and I was supposed to live like an adult. But what I find important is to take a step back and realize that we did actually accomplish some things. I got a job, Rodica is translating a book, we're living together in a rented flat, we're soon going to finish college (well, she is. I still have a year left. It still feels like it started only one year ago). That's not bad. And then we calm down, and take it one step at a time.

So yeah, to relate with what you said, the best way to embrace all these new things that are happening is to take it in progressively, savor it, learn from it, and look forward towards an exciting tomorrow.

KnaveMurdok
04-12-2011, 11:38 AM
I think I felt similarly when I was 20. I think I felt similarly all the way up until 24 or 25, when I finally started to get some focus in my life.

Point is, you got time, gurl. Do your best not to waste it worrying.