View Full Version : United States Secret Service Résumé Cover Letter & Reply

Ulysses Black
05-04-2011, 03:09 PM
I found this on a old blog I use to have. I wrote this a little over 3 and half years ago.

Cover Letter:

Dear Secret Service Personnel Division,

Hello, my name is Steve.

I enjoy smashing my face into wooden cylindrical objects on a bimonthly basis to keep current on the perspective of bowling balls.

I feel that I would be a great asset to the Secret Service Agency for many reasons, I have begun my own training regimen over the past 2 weeks to be in top performance.

Some of my training involves but not limited to:

Helping old ladies across the street in on coming traffic at 5:07 pm.

Doing jumping jacks and bear crawls at the local firing range.

Playing chess while wake-boarding on my PDA.

Ingesting medium quantities of Strychnine, Asbestos, Silica sand and Thallium mixed in a shot glass with liquefied Zyklon B, that's given to me by a 6'7 Jewish man named Vilhem Von Klassen-burg, who likes to be called Amelia Earhart.

So, as you can see I am a immortal, eternal, and never ending being. These powers have been bestowed upon me by the great lord Droolhunger from the planet Boobooginks, meaning I'm not some poser like someone else we know :::cough SUPERMAN cough :::

I am the obvious choice for this position when the safety of our Commander and Chief is at stake, and if you do not choose me for this position you can expect a call from my attorney J.J. Wolf-n-Sheepsclothen the 26th Jr. for Discrimination Against Super-Hero's or (DASH) under the DASH Rights To Freedom act " Justice League v. Legion of Doom" 414 U.S. 119 (1983)

Thanks so much for your consideration, see you soon.


Postscript: I am going to need some serious firepower like Super-soakers, Cork guns, Nerf footballs, if you expect for me to do my job with proficiency... instead of those pussyfied .357's, Sub-Machine Guns, Grenade Launchers, Fighter Planes, .50 cals and Stinger Missiles.

I'd appreciate it.


The Reply I Just Received Moments Ago:

Dear Steve,

Is this some type of a joke? Here at The United States Secret Service Agency we do not like jokes.

We find individuals who are threats to National Security often make "jokes".

So, as you are reading this letter there are approximately 3 Secret Service Agents waiting for you outside of your residence, they have a few questions they'd like to ask.

You may be held indefinitely at an undisclosed location until this issue is resolved in a manner that suits the United States Secret Service and upholds all of their policy requirements.

This may included but not limited to:

Never seeing your family, friends, pets, co-workers, acquaintances, girlfriend, mail man, milk man, wife, television, home, vehicles, other personal belongings and the light of day ever again as long as you live.

In some instances that may not be very long either.

Enclosing, thank you for your inquiries on employment opportunities with the United States Secret Service.

Take it easy,

-United States Secret Service Agent Bob


05-09-2011, 12:42 AM
Made my fucking night <3

Ulysses Black
05-09-2011, 10:26 AM
Awesome! Glad you liked it Creepy. :)