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Miss Sabine
05-24-2012, 08:41 AM
I am posting my experience here to give others the chance of avoiding the mistakes I made. And to let them know that there really is hope for getting better again.

My experience with the psychosis was not abstract. There were many coincidences.

My life is very slowly going back to normal now. Though there is still a little of my old self missing. Especially the creativity part, but I have hope for it to come back again.

Miss Sabine
05-24-2012, 08:43 AM
A beautiful mind

It’s really an excellent movie on so many levels. I watched this movie once before I was effected and once after it.

So both times I had a very different viewpoint on the movie. The second time around I was in tears through most of it, just feeling so terrible for him. It also made me realize how lucky I am with the Psychiatry being much more advanced today.

When I saw how he overcame the stigma of this illness and was actually allowed back to the university, experiencing life livable again and able to overcome other difficulties I felt so happy for him, and at the same time gained a lot of hope for my self from it.

As a matter of fact, watching it got me for the first time back in touch with my emotional memories again. (When I could not access them anymore I felt like an empty shell, unable to live). So that movie helped me to make a big breakthrough on my way of recovering.

Miss Sabine
05-24-2012, 08:44 AM
How it began

To my knowledge 1% of all people are inflicted by schizophrenia, (psychosis).
That is actually quit a lot if you think about it. And when it hits you it comes unexpected. Which is one of the reasons I decided to talk about this more in the open so everyone will have at least an idea how it feels like.

I’m now on medication and not acute.

I did not want to give up control over myself without a fight. For all I knew I was maybe hypnotized, set on drugs, or possibly brainwashed. So I decided for it to be better to have my self committed to a clinic free willingly in 2007. I never had a psychosis before and expected the worst.

The driver in the hospital area that offered me a ride, as I had lost orientation as to where the clinic exactly suppose to be in this big complex, said he finds that very admirable of me to go there alone and admit my self. He said he never seen anyone do that before and would probably be to afraid to.

Something seemed to be very different to the doctors there about me because even the professor wonted to see me. Did not bring much so. He seemed to have a hard time to keep his eyes open and I basically told them that I leave it up to them to call the police or not, because of me possibly having been brainwashed or something. They saw no need for that so.


The night it began I had no idea what is happening to me. My daughters where in their room and it was probably about 4 in the morning. I had been doing something very strenuous on the computer for a while, not sleeping much and drinking some alcohol. Suddenly time somehow seemed to have slowed down a bit. I was more concentrated and began to read something in depth on the computer. I remember being surprised at my ability to focus so clearly on the text unlike usually.
Then I went looking through some pages I found interesting when suddenly my whole perception shifted completely into feeling everything to be extremely negative towards me. I came accidentally across a photo of a pile of dead people, showing some of the victims of Hitler’s horrible doings. Then, I don’t know how, I came across a big photo of a persons face with sharp partially blackened teeth as if it was meant for me. It immediately made me think of cannibals.

Still I wanted to know what is going on and why I could not get the pages I usually get when trying to look at them. And even so I was extremely unsettled by those photos I kept trying. The next photo that appeared showed a person sitting across from his computer, looking into it, being extremely pale with rings under his eyes. The moment I saw that I felt like this is another one of their victims and that this is probably the way I’m looking by now too. At least I felt just as worn out by then

Next I came across a story where someone asks what he should do to get his friends back for taping and microphoning him as he talked outside with a girl while they all had set this up for him. Again I thought they are trying to tell me that this is what is happening to me. I still kept trying to open the familiar pages but always landing somewhere strange. There was even a picture of someone pointing a gun right toward me. For someone in a psychosis a very scary thing. (and as one of the doctors often mentioned, anyone can be brought to a point of a psychosis really)
Finally after trying again and again to get back to the usual pages on the internet it showed on the bottom of the screen a computer mouse with the cable not actually attached to anything. I took it as a hint that I have not been in control of my computer the whole time. Of coarse again that was a shock. And as I realized that I had just recently scanned in all my personal documents I became even more devastated.
There was also a very intimate peace of writing I had worked on for about a year on the computer and a song I had just finished recently, amongst other things.

Then finally I came to a more familiar page recognizing an Avatar on the screen whom I trusted (not knowing him really so) and allowed (by just sitting back and letting go of the mouse) this user to go ahead to copy those two files. I watched the cursor go over one file to the next waiting for this user to copy it. Not sure if he really got it or not a new window suddenly opened for booking a trip to some sunny place. In that moment I reacted and closed everything. The last thing I remember reading was that I must be one of the nicest users they came across on the internet.

You may wonder why I let them take the file if it is so private. I’m not sure. I just felt it to be the right thing to do. Once printed out this file does warn you with a death thread on the first page that if you read in it in spite of it being private your do so at your own risk. The only exemption would be if you accidentally stumble across one of the pages without being aware of the first page). And the music file I gave them to do with as they like.

Feeling like I had trusted the right person with these files I also felt that not all of them are trustworthy. So after closing the internet page I immediately called the creditcard company and had my card canceled. When I felt assured that this problem was taken care of I went to my computer and deleted absolutely everything from it. It did not let me format it so. But I deleted everything from the paperbin too. All I left on it was the Windows Program.
After that the computer still seemed to be doing what it wants and I kept having the impression that it is still controlled over wireless Cable and kept trying to turn that off but it did not seem to stay that way. I then went as far as to destroy the router.

Then for what ever reason unknown to me to this day I then went into the kitchen opened the window and considered jumping out of it. Strangely enough so I did not feel any fear of heights, as I usually would as I sat half in the window I played my next move out in my mind. A split second later and I would have done it, but instead suddenly my youngest daughter stood in the kitchen asking me what I am doing there, getting my attention back to here. I came right back in and told her all about what had happened and that they will probably come now and get us and that I think we should all better jump out of the window. By then my older daughter had joined us in the kitchen too. I told both that they should decide for them self’s if it would be better to jump now or to wait and risk falling into their hands.
They decided to want to wait. Being impressed by their decision I too felt it the better idea for us but I also had to tell them that in the event of one of us getting tortured and the other one is suppose to be forced to do something because of that we are not to give in to them. I knew this would almost be an impossible thing to follow butt I stressed it to them very clearly not to do anything if they should have to witness anything they do to me to make them obey, because it does not matter in the end. We can not make it through if we let our self to be stooped, by anything. I stressed to them several times how important it is to not be stopped by anything, never mind how cruel.

From this moment on we all three carried our own responsibility for only our self. Non of us can be helped by the other and each risk we take we think about it first and if willing to take the risk the others will accept what ever course he then takes.
Once that was clear it became a little easier overtime when they left the house or were out of sight for a moment when going shopping. We agreed upon trying to keep our lives as normal as possible and not be guided by fear.

So after my talk with the kids that evening they went back to lay in the bed as I proceeded to call the police. Telling them of what happened and that they may wont to come and pick up the computer. To my surprise I always seemed to get a person on the phone that did not seem to take anything of what I said seriously at all. I tried maybe two more times and then went to call my sister in America. I told her everything and asked her to call the police for me as I don’t seem to really get through to the real line.

My mother happened to visit my sister at the time and both tried to figure out what is going on and how they could possibly help me without me panicking even more.
Luckily my sister managed to get through to the police and they send a car with two policeman. They came up here and acted very calm and did not seem worried at all about the computer. They told me that unless I seen any unlawful pictures on there they will not take it with them to have a look. (I suspected someone maybe copying some illegal stuff on there and because I wasn’t able to format it they should be able to recover it) Then they asked to see the kids for a moment and almost half asleep again they stood in the door and exchanged a few words with the officers. They told me to get some sleep and to try and calm down more. They also said that I could have just turned the computer off If I was afraid of someone using it from the outside. Silly me :/

To make sure that all this was not about getting a hold off an important key in my possession I insisted for the police officer to take it with him and to give it back to the owner.
He had to go down and get a block to write me a receipt for it and left again.

I then proceeded to destroy all my possession’s. Everything I hold dear out of reasons I don’t want to mention. I destroyed even a photo of my dad. That was probably the hardest to do. My kids came in while I was doing this and asked me about it. I explained it to them. Much later my oldest daughter said that she believed me and also destroyed some of here most beloved things. Bless her heart.
When I was done with it all I had destroyed things maybe in about the worth of maybe 4 thousand Euros. I did not miss much while I was at it but going about it very calmly and convinced to do the right thing.

Later my sister called me again to let me know that they have asked one of the doctors in town to come by in the later morning. Realizing how messed up my place looked I quickly began to clean everything up. By the time the doc got here it looked OK. He noticed nothing. I remember him saying that I should know that all this is not real and what I need most now would be lots of sleep.
All I could think was "What is not real, does he mean he is not real?

He left me some pills that I flushed down the toilet after reading the inlay and seeing all the possible side-effects and took something else I had here.

Sometime in the next days I went to my other doctor near by and talked to him about my problem. He then referred me on to a specialist who referred me to a clinic for me to pay a daily visit to before I was finally committed because I insisted not to take any medication.

Miss Sabine
05-24-2012, 08:47 AM
What it was like for me to be psychotic or 'In contact' after the first day or two


To say it up front, to me there was always a high probability that others we don’t know jet exist in this universe as we are probably not alone in this vast space.

I’m still quite convinced that I had a telepathic encounter with some of them and maybe they just want us to learn about what kind of capabilities some of them possess and learn how to protect our selves from being controllable.

When the whole thing started one of the things I did was to go outside and check up on everyone else to see if they noticed anything too. When I realized that for them everything is as usual I was kind of glad they are all well but could not understand what was happening.

My TV appeared to show a strange program and the people in there seemed to be looking at me. Everything they said appeared to be related to me or what I talked about a day before.

I began to believe that there must be some kind of chip in my eye combined with possibly a camera that appeared to be sending out my code as I look at the television so I could only receive the program that was meant for me. When my youngest (who was under 18 would enter the room the program seemed to change immediately).

When my eyes glanced at a picture of MM wearing sunglasses I got the idea to put mine on and look at the TV. This time everyone appeared to be in pure panic. It worked a few more times like that, but when I saw increasing horror and fear in the eyes of some of those people on the television, I decided to not do that again. It just seemed wrong.

Noticing that on TV they appear to be talking about things I talked about a day before, I made a test and said Marilyn Manson over and over again in my mind for one day.
And you can imagine how stunt I was when in the evening Stefan Raab had Max Raabe on his show telling about how it was to play music on MM’s wedding with a short introduction as to who MM is.

So I tried watching a DVD, but somehow they all appeared to be different then I had them in my memory.

Books, the same thing. As if someone had exchanged them when I slept. Nothing but nonsense in them and a strange note in one.

I had a little dictating device. So when I tried to watch the DVD and wonted to record the sound the damn thing had only distortion on it when I played it back.

What was also strange is that both my clocks that are automatically set to the right time would be going different from each other. Later I noticed that the more the time difference between them the more discomfort I felt. It was an extremely unpleasant experience.

When I realized that I appeared to be monitored by some type of automated program. I tried to get their operators attention any way I could.

Luckily In preparation for childbirth I had learned to endure a lot of pain by a relaxing technique called Lamaze.
(I remember the doctors looking at the contraction-monitoring-machine and thinking it was broken because it showed severe contractions even so I kept all relaxed.
After they put another machine on me with the same results they thought I had taken something for the pain and asked me about it, which in turn almost got me out of my relaxation. As they noticed that, they quickly stopped bothering me and I was able to get back in this state of painlessness. Very close call so)
So now many years later when I found myself caught in the automated mind-control system and after trying everything else I could think of I decided to stop cooperating with them. So they increased the discomfort to it’s maximum over the coarse of the day. When it became really severe in the evening I used this Lamaze technique, and got through it all right but with my whole body shaking increasingly and me getting really cold over quite some time. That’s how I finally got their attention and they started to communicate with me.

After a while they became more open to what I was trying to convey to them but the person in charge of me would change about every 15 to 20 minutes. I’m not sure if I always got someone new but I think so. I was able to convince some of them to leave notes for the others and some of them did end up sympathetic to my side planing to change the system when they see their chance.

Sometimes I had to explain the most rudimentary basic facts about us so. Basic things no human would have to ask about. They seemed extremely alarmed by our thought. As if they could not distinguish between someone just imagining something and someone actually going through with it.

After a while the contact developed into some kind of give and take between us. At first I got punished immediately with strong physical discomfort if I drank any alcohol or smoked a cigarette. But then they seemed to tolerate it more often then not and even appeared to find it kind of funny to see what happens when you drink alcohol.

Maybe it was a little you get to know us we get to know you kind of a thing. Even so they went a little easier on me it was still hard to take. Every thought I had, seemed to be transmitted first and had to be OK’ed by someone before I would actually be able to go through with any action. Which took quite some time when the check appeared to run automated (probably during time of lower priority). If the thought was not approved it got wiped of my memory. So I could hardly do much in that time. Not even small things. I was mostly confined to laying on my couch while they sometimes (more in the beginning) seemed to stir my brain into a mess as soon as I would start to get a clear thought but only as long as I did not have anything pressing to take care of. Only then the invisible restrains were taken of.

When they began with reading my brain out it felt like one of the most humiliating inhuman thing I experienced. At first I felt certain that this should definitely not ever happen to anybody else and was dead set on bringing their doings to a hold, what ever it would cost. But later after time has gone by and I got the notion that copies of the brain were made for a later use in case of something going wrong I began to find the whole thing somewhat more acceptable.


Then one evening I got a nice surprise as they put me through something I would call an extreme super wellness program. That was fantastic and gave me new strength. I had to do nothing, they just guided me and I let them do. After that I felt so refreshed by the shower, the music and the entire program. There is just no word for it.

I had no idea that the very next day so I had to go into the closed unit, doors shut!

The ones I had the telepathic encounter with at home were not there. But others, much crueler ones. After I got injected with Haldol I got a taste of how it is like to have your thoughts and your body in complete control of some of the telepathic beings.

First they slowly moved my hands as they liked. As it was just about to violate my intimacy they stopped. Then they made me walk over to the window against my will and had me give a telepathic command to start a war (as if it was my fault, my decision) as my mind was screaming no, you can’t do that.

Realizing that they can manipulate some of us (maybe all) like a puppet on a string was most devastating. In spite of that I requested to keep this memory even so I realized it would be hard to live with the knowledge of what we are possibly up against. It appeared so hopeless. But then I realized that they were only able to do that because I was injected with something. So that got me gaining hope again.

After I got on medication and no more Haldol the contact disappeared within the first two weeks.

But when I was released back home about 3 month later not having had any sign of the symptoms for the last two and a half month the radio played a song. And I don’t know why but I knew it was meant for me. Someone sang ‘You are free’ but ‘How free do you want to be’. I have to admit I was very touched and emotional, because even after all that I’ve been through I do feel like I made some good friends with some of them. And I’ll always hold them dear.

Miss Sabine
05-24-2012, 08:48 AM
Frightening experience at the mall

At the beginning of my “psychosis” as I told my doctor too, whenever I went outside I got the impression as if half an Army is following me around and that after I told them to cut it down because of the waste of gasoline there where actually less of them.

At some point so I told them to stop this altogether and they did.

Anyway after that back in 2007 my kids and I went to the mall in our small town even so I had a strong feeling that they are all there waiting for us like I’m on trial or something. As we went in things really did appear different and frightening.

I tried hard not to show any fear and things went OK at first. Then I did something which may have looked like that I’m panicking, when actually I did not. In that moment everyone seemed to be coming closer very fast and trying to be in my way. They seemed to think that I’m afraid that my girls are gone. So I pretended to be looking at something interesting in one of those tables in front of me for a while. Suddenly someone lightly poked me in the sides from behind. I stood still for a moment and slowly turned around expecting the worst when to my very pleasant surprise I was looking at my very very long not seen cousin of mine. I had the impression that she was there to protect me. She is married with someone from another country and I only heard some rumor about her not keeping contact with the family anymore.

We talked a little and I asked her to please come to the next family reunion. (Which sadly I missed because of ending in the clinic again two days before) Later I realized that unless she knows more about all this then I do she must think I’m a total nutcase.

We said god by and I continued my shopping as someone said seemingly about me to someone “You heard what she said” And someone else later “That’s supposed to be the one, you would not think so”

Things went normal from there while I tried hard not to show any weakness with the kids going out of sight several times.

Miss Sabine
05-24-2012, 09:00 AM
I got to terms about being labeled with schizophrenia


I know the doctors had no other choice. It’s not as terrible as I thought. But I did stress to the doctors that they can never convince me that all this just happened in my mind and they seemed to accept that after a while.

But I made sure to leave them some material to be put into my file just in case they ever do find out that all this is real.

If one day this life-form should decide to infiltrate everyone’s mind at once, which I find likely, I will most likely not be affected that much because of the medication and should they use that system to only do harm, there will be some of us who can make a difference, because we can not be controlled that much.

Aside form that many of them within their own system are preparing to get control over it one day.

Even with my first encounter I had with them I could not shake that feeling that I had put my self free willingly into this situation. And because it was unlikely to make it back I had been given this incredibly wonderful year right before it. And believe me it really was worth dying for.

When I was taken out of the game so to speak I felt like I had failed to some degree on my mission. I really wanted to finish the job right there and then. But maybe it’s better this way. Maybe things went different then expected and things have to be reconsidered. Maybe they did not expect me to make friends with some of them.

People should think of it this way. If it’s all nonsense no harm is done, but if it does come about some will know what is happening to them and that in it self will make it a little easier.
And it wont hurt to know that if the mind-control system these beings are using ends up in the hands of the bad ones there will still be others trying to help, even some within the bad system itself.

I don’t think that they hate us. A lot of them seem rather intrigued by us but the violence and hunger that happens on earth...

When they do come and read your brain out they will be able to see exactly what you have done in your life. Just like they did with me. I mean sure we all make mistakes and are no saints and I’m hopeful they have by now learned to take that into consideration but there are different degrees of mistakes.
There are small ones and there are huge ones. Especially if done with bad intend for your own profit, hurting others carelessly. Who knows what they will do with those!

I would expect that they are not exactly going to get the luxury treatment because I would sometimes catch a glimpse of the program on the screen that was meant for others. It would have made your blood freeze in your veins. Thank god I did not have to watch that stuff for more then one of two seconds. I remember feeling really bad for them.

So I think people should really start to think ahead and make a change. And very likely from the moment you read this you will be held accountable for your actions later putting the past wrongs aside.
I’m sure for most people this in not too much to ask for.

Even I my self stopped and felt the need to rethink my doings after the first time I wrote this in a post and found a few things worth improving on my self.

Miss Sabine
05-24-2012, 10:32 AM
Out of body experience

Even more early once in 1985 in the middle of what my friend and I were doing I was suddenly kind of floating around in outer space, while he thought I must have suddenly fallen asleep. Which is extremely unlikely though ;)

I was just enjoying it watching some very colorful explosions looking somewhat like big fire works. After some time of feeling all free and careless I looked down and saw the earth under me.

I could not tell what I was or what shape or anything like that. I felt no body, but I existed.
So as I looked at the earth I suddenly began to wonder what my name is. For the life of me I could not think of it. But it became more and more important to me at that point and so that’s all I kept asking my self over and over again until I was suddenly back in my body. Who knows maybe I had almost died.

Miss Sabine
05-24-2012, 10:36 AM
A seemingly forgotten patient

I was pretty shocked things like this can actually happen here at a mental institution.
It was my second time in the closed wart because I had quit taking my pills.

Just like the first time around I thought non of us would have to worry about anything getting lost or stolen if left unattended. Nobody made use of the lockers when I came in.

I put in the middle of the table in the smoker room, where we spend most of the time if we did not have to attend any meetings, a 100€ bill with a list of things to get, incase someone would be able to go shopping. I wasn’t allowed out yet.

When I came back in the room it was gone. Everyone was as surprised as I was, except for the people working there, they of coarse found that to be very expected when someone had told them about it. But I told them that I don’t plan on following up on it and everyone including myself put our things in the Lockers for the first time.
I said maybe we have someone under us who is kleptomaniac so he or she can’t help it.

Luckily it wasn’t that bad for me to have lost the money. I don’t usually have that much to live on but my sister had sent me some to be comfortable in there and able to buy what I need.

One person in there caught my attention right away. I could not believe what I was seeing and mind you it was cold and snowing at that time.
I found him sitting there with socks that were walked through and totally open in the front. No shoes, pants that where worn out and ripped in some places and only a T-shirt. He would be gathering the rest of the tobacco he found left in the ashtrays to have enough to roll himself a cigarette from. His black curly hair was a mess but you could tell that if combed it would suit him very well. I can’t deny to have found him somewhat attractive in spite of his appearance. He also would often walk around with yogurt rests all around his mouth. He just never bothered to wipe it off. Even so I was a little amused by how silly that looked I would later always mention it to him and help him wipe it off.

The most tragic thing about him was jet to be discovered, he could not communicate. All the words that came out where to 99% so mixed up that you could make absolutely no sense of it. It sounded like a different language. But I could see in his eyes that he is not dumb.
Can you imagine to be stuck like that in a mental Institution, unable to voice any needs you may have?

Anyhow, he seemed like a really nice guy and after we tried to communicate to each other for quite a while with no success except for a single word very rarely, I told him to just keep talking to me, even if I don’t look at him or am in a conversation with someone else to just keep trying. Knowing how rude that must look like I explained to the others what we are trying to accomplish.

I don’t remember how long it took but at some point I would understand him for a moment and it got a little better with time till he was able to tell me that he took the money onto himself to make sure nobody steals it, but that he can’t find it anymore. It wasn’t that important to me anyhow and I believed him. After all he obviously was not taken care of in there by his appointed guardian and it seemed possible that someone stole it from him. And even if not who else could have used it better then him?

I made sure he had everything he needed. I had some socks that were to big for me anyhow and my partner who I had just met there also gave him a pair of his pants. We both always made sure to leave him with enough cigarettes if we left the room until we were back.

At that point I was fighting increasingly with the side effects of the pills as the dosage was increase more and more and I could hardly keep my eyes open even so I wasn’t tired. Such a stupid feeling.
Because I let him also use my coffee-supply he decided to bring me one too when he went to make himself one. He did not know that I drink my coffee black and so he made a lot of sugar and some milk in it. I drank it anyhow and to my surprise that heavy eyes feeling went away from it. And I was remembered that my father always drank his coffee this way. Now I know why :) So that’s all I drank from there on out.

I had also lend him my MP3 player. I had really the most incredible music on it even some stuff I had made myself (not so incredible) and would usually at that time not let anyone else hear it.
He seemed to really enjoy that. At some point I decided to give it to him for good and got me a new one with more space to get all my music on at once.

The more he tried to speak the better it worked. It was still laborious and at some point we tried if he could write it down, but I remember him drawing just some kind of symbols and asked me if I had seen them before. I didn’t.

When I was doing a little better and was changed to the same medication, (Quetiapine) only now in retard form, I was able to be more active and talked more to him. At that time I was wondering if I should take the chance and begin a 2 year course to become a programmer. And wouldn’t you know it, he was interested in the same thing and brought me a really fat book about it from his room and showed me how far he has gotten with it. He said this language would be the most used one at the time. I tried to read 3 pages and was just bored to death with it. The more I was impressed that he managed to read about half of it already. So that’s how I found out that programming is not really my thing.

Finally after being able to think more straight I went to the personnel there and told them that I don’t understand why he is not taken care of by his appointed guardian? I also told them that I will keep buying him everything he needs even if I go broke in the process until he gets taken care of. And wouldn’t you know it suddenly he was showered, groomed, got a hair cut and suddenly appearing with new clothes from head to tow and a nice worm jacket.
Makes you kind of wonder so why the personal did not do anything sooner.

A few days later I ran into him outside on my way back from the store and he asked me for some cigarettes. I gave him some. Obviously they did not give him much money in spite of everything.
Later back inside we talked a little and he told me about his girlfriend who he still loves and wants to see again.

Shortly after that he was gone. Someone claimed he had run away. A few days later he was back. He came into the smoking room were sometimes other former patient come and visit. He told me that he was in anther city and that he did not find anyone he was looking for. Looked like he got in a fight too because he had a small bruise close to one of his eyes. He told me that he wonted to come back in but was told there isn’t any room now. He said he does not know were to go now. I gave him 10Euros and told him of a place I rode by on my bicycle every morning on my way to work. There seemed to always be younger people that don’t have a place to go, but that I’ve seen social workers checking in on them regularly. He seemed to like the idea and said something about planning to organize a group for those people. That’s the last time I saw him.

Miss Sabine
05-24-2012, 11:53 AM
Mental hospital, psychiatrists and finding the right medication
A short overview


Before I became ill with schizophrenia in 2007 I had fled into my own dream world because of a very long lasting stressful situation. Escaping like that was fantastic and lasted about 1 year. I had incredible fantastical high feelings in that time until I reached the edge of my physical and mental ability through long lasting sleep deprivation. (No drugs)

After that everything turned just horrifying and negative.

I went to the doctors on my own free will and would I have agreed to take my medication right away I probably could have avoided a stay in the mental hospital.

So I ended up on the closed ward. The treatment seemed anything but fair. The doctors were for the most part very unfriendly. Kind of like on a power trip. But at least I avoided getting restraint.

I decided to release my self from the hospital and had my sister stay with me for a little while. At some point I realized that I wasn’t doing so bad physically because of the illness but from the side effects of the pills. They seemed to work like an invisible straightjacket. It felt like torture. Under the high doses of risperidone I could hardly sit or even lay down comfortably anymore. My mouth stayed open and saliva kept constantly dripping out and I could only move as slow as an 80 year old woman.

When I could not bear it anymore I went to my regular Physician who then allowed me to reduce he pills for a while.

After that I was changed to ziprasidone in combination with a smaller dose of risperidone. And just when I began to feel much better I began having some sort of epileptic convulsions in the evening. I could hardly breath. The second day it got so bad that my tongue cramped too so that I could not even get help over the phone.

So the next day I packed my suitcase and headed back to the clinic for them to change my medication under supervision. The doctor told me it was probably the combination of the two medications that caused the problem. So they got me off the risperidone and ziprasidone combination and started me on high dosages of quetiapine. After three weeks I was feeling really awful as if my inner self had died. They kept asking if I am suicidal. I told them that I would actually rather be dead but that it would not mean that I would kill myself. They seemed to finely believe me and I was able to go home.

After that I spend almost a whole year just in front of my computer. I could just not get much else done.

One time at the bus-stop a man playing around with a knife was sitting next to me and all I could think was I hope he stabs it right in my heart. It would have been such a relieve at the time.

I ended up telling my psychiatrist how I always hope to get run over by a car but strangely I always watch out when entering a street.

He gave me a pack of antidepressants to take home. But after I read the insert I found out that this medication can have the same side effects as an anti-psychotic and that seems to hold true for all antidepressants. I was to afraid to try them and handed them back at my next visit.

He kept telling me that he is certain that at some point I will be doing better again but I just could not believe it.

Slowly the dosage of the quetiapine was lowered because I kept asking for it while always hoping that it would solve my problem.

Then finally we had reached 200 mg and I was again on the edge of a psychosis. But somehow I did not want to admit that to my self or the doctor.

Then I began to feel really upbeat again. The only thing that bothered me was the fact that when I took the quetiapine in the evening it felt like passing out abut 2 hours later. So I tried to push the time to take it more and more back until I became determined to stop taking it all together. I was convinced that nothing will get me to ever take any off those pills again.

Over the telephone I informed my doctor about my decision because I told him from the beginning that I would be very honest with him about anything. He knew me well enough by then to know that once I am that determined it’s close to impossible to change my mind.

Of coarse he wasn’t very happy with my decision but told me that if I really wonted to go through with it I should do it as slowly as possible.

The next meeting was already set in about 2 weeks and we agreed for me to show up then. For a little while I expected to be picked up against my will at any moment and even packed a bag just in case but luckily that did not happen.

After the first week I lost patience and cut down to 0 mg.

Then for the last time I had one of those unbelievably fantastic uplifting days just one day before the next appointment.

As I was sitting in front of my doc he told me that I sound just as bad as the first time he met me. I realized that he was right and had to agree with him.

He immediately walked me over to the closed unit and had me admitted again.

In there I refused to take any medication even if it would mean that I have to stay there for ever. To make sure I don’t release my self again another person was appointed by the court to be in charge of where I stay. I phoned him up and asked him to get me an attorney, which he did right away.

With the help of the attorney I wonted to find a legal way of having my self killed. He told me that is not possible and I would have to do it my self. I already had the idea of not eating anything anymore which could take a long time since the pills made me gain weight and I realized they would catch on to that.

I was still refusing to take my medication and was wondering what they would do about it when four of the staff came to my room and had me on my bed in no time giving me an injection of haloperidol which knocked me right out. When I came to my tongue was cramping and I got another medication to relieve me from that. Must have looked hideous till it worked . Still I refused and had to endure it a second time. This time my tongue and foot cramped, and again I went and got the medication for it. The third time I refused the doctor told me they would fixate me if I don’t stop it. That finally did change my mind.

After I told the doctors about my problem with quetiapine they changed me to quetiapine-retard without my knowledge. I kept asking if they are giving me placebos because at that point I felt nothing from taking them. Later they finally informed me about the change.

At first I was very happy with the new mediation and began to have some hope again. After about 1 month I was moved to the open ward for another 2 month before I was able to go home. First for one or two days and then finally for good.

At my next appointment I finally agreed to try the antidepressant. My doc gave me cita-lopram 20 mg to take in the mornings.

Again I kept asking to reduce the quetiapine-retard to finely feel like my self again. Then over the course of some month maybe a year I reached 600mg a day, down from 1200mg at the beginning.

The next appointment I really wanted to go to 450mg. I was very determined again and after my doc told me about his concerns about it he gave me the go ahead for it.
Just as I was about to reduce it I noticed a slight change for the better in my mood. I noticed that I could laugh again here and there. I reflected for a moment on what the doctor had told me and decided not to risk it all and possibly having to start at a very high dosage again.

So I only went down to 500 mg instead of 450 and told my doc that I would go onto 600 mg if he thinks it’s saver. He saw no reason for that as long as I’m doing fine. On my next visit I was able to tell him the good news that I’m finally doing a little better on my way to my old self again. The cita-lopram I upped to 30 mg a day and by now 40mg. Which is the highest dosage recommended right now.

And by now I actually am at 400 mg quetiapine-retard and feeling better so far.





A little note on the side:
At first I could not post this text here because I tried to use the brand-names of these medications. So now I changed the names to the active ingredients in them, which is a better idea anyway. It worked fine except for cita-lopram. Just leave away the -

Miss Sabine
05-27-2012, 05:38 AM
This is about all the text I was able to recover more easily from past records I still had on conversations and posts on the subject at Babalon.
If there was anything else I overlooked or wrote about that interests you let me know and I’ll see if I can recover more of it or write it back up from memory.

Cat
06-25-2012, 03:56 AM
I just read through all this ............WOW, that's all I can say right now!

You are strong, please stay that way!

crazybitch
09-04-2012, 12:15 PM
Hi miss Sabine. I also have schizophrenia. It started when I was about fifteen. I just got my drivers license and I'm back in college for my junior year. I know how scary it is. I also struggle with being impulsive but that isn't borderline so far in my case. Just poor decisions sometimes. Right now it's schizoaffective and ADHD so I can take vyvanse to focus, sometimes I'd still have issues but they've been going away more. It feels like thought projection and sound distirtion and im trying to overcome the fear that people hear everything I think sometimes usually at night it happens. U r awesome to have recovered like me to a better state of mind, thx for sharing!

Miss Sabine
09-04-2012, 03:34 PM
Hi miss Sabine. I also have schizophrenia. It started when I was about fifteen. I just got my drivers license and I'm back in college for my junior year. I know how scary it is. I also struggle with being impulsive but that isn't borderline so far in my case. Just poor decisions sometimes. Right now it's schizoaffective and ADHD so I can take vyvanse to focus, sometimes I'd still have issues but they've been going away more. It feels like thought projection and sound distirtion and im trying to overcome the fear that people hear everything I think sometimes usually at night it happens. U r awesome to have recovered like me to a better state of mind, thx for sharing!

I very much appreciate that! Thank you!
It sounds like you are giving your best to handle your fate and still get things done in your life. Very admirable! Especially at your young age!

Miss Sabine
09-04-2012, 03:38 PM
I just read through all this ............WOW, that's all I can say right now!

You are strong, please stay that way!

I know I clicked on the like button but thank you very much too, Marian!

Miss Sabine
09-29-2012, 12:58 PM
After coming across these videos (first saw part three and four) I watched it with increasing interest.
Now after seeing part one I just had to post this here.


Bases 18 Sentient Fluid Session One
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iv-hJUOnLik&feature=plcp

Bases 18 Sentient Fluid Session Two
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VgfZSewBPzk&feature=plcp

Bases 18 Sentient Fluid Session Three
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4J08ugSm32w&feature=plcp

Bases 18 Sentient Fluid Session Four
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iPwEuJmS8vY&feature=plcp

Bryson18
09-29-2012, 08:42 PM
Great and touching stories! Thank you! :) But do you mind explaining what happens to people with it? like what is different than everyone else?

Miss Sabine
09-30-2012, 02:48 AM
Great and touching stories! Thank you! :) But do you mind explaining what happens to people with it? like what is different than everyone else?

Iím sorry but I donít quite understand your questions.
What do you mean by with it?
And what is different from other people?

For me these videos I posted are interesting because some of the things he experienced I could relate to.

Like:

Prolonged exposure to suidge air while and before my experiences. Like I rode my bicycle every day to work and found an even shorter route driving by a suidge cleaning plant twice daily. Having trouble finding the source of the bad air in the bathroom till I recently noticed that thee drain of my bathtub seems to suck dry easily and emitting air from the suidge pipe. Now I always put the lid on the outlet and finally gotten rid of the problem.

Trying to jump out of the window at first contact but being stopped by my daughter in the last second literally in the very early morning hours when my kids would usually still be asleep.

An incident feeling like Iím being operated on, not feeling pain but being subdued, not able to move.

The outrage of the beings over our violence and murder on this planet.

Feeling interrogated by different groups and tortured by some mentally and physically for a time span. But some also making me have the most enjoyable feelings Iíve ever felt, before I became aware of them and at times after my first contact.

I am being left alone now and am not feeling any manipulation on me. But when for instance I decided to join this forum after lurking for some time I noticed afterwards that I am the 1111th user to register. After realizing that I was certain to still be somewhat controlled and that this is the right place to post my experience after Babalon went down. To this point I had still hoped it would go back up.

That number has a meaning to me because on the night from 2010 to 2011 my alarm clock rang in the middle of the night, even so I did not set it to ring. I remember taking it in my hand while trying to shut it off and woke up with it still in my hand the next morning and when I looked at it, it had the numbers 11:11 for the time and 1.11. for day and year. This cannot be a coincidence in my book.

Bryson18
09-30-2012, 10:29 AM
I just don't understand? I'm not trying to be rude but is it what most people call "psycho"?

sayyosin
09-30-2012, 12:22 PM
I just don't understand? I'm not trying to be rude but is it what most people call "psycho"?

Rude.

Miss Sabine
09-30-2012, 12:48 PM
Could be a slang used for all kinds of mental issues.
But since I do not live in the English speaking environment I really donít know.

crazybitch
10-01-2012, 09:35 AM
I just don't understand? I'm not trying to be rude but is it what most people call "psycho"?


I can explain it very well. You know when you get a gut feeling about something? Sometimes a thought pops into your head that says "dont do that bs" well, a person with schizophrenia is wired differently. Thoughts are not automated with schizophrenia, or at least--when you have it under a good control system. If a person was to go to a party but a part of them didn't want to, how would that thought occur? Usually it would be buried deep down in the subconscious. The subconscious is where all the repressed feelings and desires remain. Like dreams, Carl Jung calls it the subconscious because it's beneath or sub-to your outer conscious. A person with schizophrenia is fully conscious, there-fore their subconscious thoughts are not repressed, and therefore they experience more of life than the average person. It's not at all the way the media dictates it. People term psycho what they do not understand. And people are very complex, more than we realize.

BTW. I have schizophrenia too. So anyways, a voice bubbles up from the subconscious, like a deep pool below the surface, and instead of repressing the thought, you will actually hear your idea vocalized in a sense. You will either see it in symbolic imagery/visual hallucinations"" or you will hear it vocalized. Auditory Hallucinations. The only problems I've ever had were connecting too many thoughts together and coming up with too many theories/knowing too much or assuming too much, it's called "loose associations" because you will see patterns no one else sees much like with Aspergers.

We are very feeling, we are very compassionate, no one with schizophrenia is a psycho killer. The real problem is when a person's issues are not expressed, and they have too much bubbling beneath the surface/aka they repress themselves. Anyone can become psychotic/psycho to the point of harming someone if they repress enough.

Instead of things being automatic, in my case, I control everything about myself. I control my walking, my blinking, my thinking, my breathing. It may sound weird, could be some genetic mutation of sorts. I can't lose control. Instead of the assumed idea that I am lost to myself or have less conscious awareness. I in fact have way too much awareness that it can become overwhelming. I can read people sorta well, and read between the lines, and sometimes I do tap into ESP and premonitions, this because I am so aware. Hope that helps!

Bryson18
10-01-2012, 06:07 PM
I can explain it very well. You know when you get a gut feeling about something? Sometimes a thought pops into your head that says "dont do that bs" well, a person with schizophrenia is wired differently. Thoughts are not automated with schizophrenia, or at least--when you have it under a good control system. If a person was to go to a party but a part of them didn't want to, how would that thought occur? Usually it would be buried deep down in the subconscious. The subconscious is where all the repressed feelings and desires remain. Like dreams, Carl Jung calls it the subconscious because it's beneath or sub-to your outer conscious. A person with schizophrenia is fully conscious, there-fore their subconscious thoughts are not repressed, and therefore they experience more of life than the average person. It's not at all the way the media dictates it. People term psycho what they do not understand. And people are very complex, more than we realize.

BTW. I have schizophrenia too. So anyways, a voice bubbles up from the subconscious, like a deep pool below the surface, and instead of repressing the thought, you will actually hear your idea vocalized in a sense. You will either see it in symbolic imagery/visual hallucinations"" or you will hear it vocalized. Auditory Hallucinations. The only problems I've ever had were connecting too many thoughts together and coming up with too many theories/knowing too much or assuming too much, it's called "loose associations" because you will see patterns no one else sees much like with Aspergers.

We are very feeling, we are very compassionate, no one with schizophrenia is a psycho killer. The real problem is when a person's issues are not expressed, and they have too much bubbling beneath the surface/aka they repress themselves. Anyone can become psychotic/psycho to the point of harming someone if they repress enough.

Instead of things being automatic, in my case, I control everything about myself. I control my walking, my blinking, my thinking, my breathing. It may sound weird, could be some genetic mutation of sorts. I can't lose control. Instead of the assumed idea that I am lost to myself or have less conscious awareness. I in fact have way too much awareness that it can become overwhelming. I can read people sorta well, and read between the lines, and sometimes I do tap into ESP and premonitions, this because I am so aware. Hope that helps!

Maybe I don't understand fully because I am like that. I always think 24/7 and have these crazy stories play out in my head like a movie. and I can sense when I'm about to get a text, its weird, I will just pick up my phone and know when I'm about to get one.

crazybitch
11-17-2012, 04:56 PM
I always pick up the phone before I get a text. Yesterday I had food in my mouth, and I jokingly put my fingers to my head pretending they could read my mind, and the person said what I was going to say, haha. Sometimes it's instinctive.

Doom Juan
11-23-2012, 09:15 AM
Out of body experience

Even more early once in 1985 in the middle of what my friend and I were doing I was suddenly kind of floating around in outer space, while he thought I must have suddenly fallen asleep. Which is extremely unlikely though ;)

I was just enjoying it watching some very colorful explosions looking somewhat like big fire works. After some time of feeling all free and careless I looked down and saw the earth under me.

I could not tell what I was or what shape or anything like that. I felt no body, but I existed.
So as I looked at the earth I suddenly began to wonder what my name is. For the life of me I could not think of it. But it became more and more important to me at that point and so thatís all I kept asking my self over and over again until I was suddenly back in my body. Who knows maybe I had almost died.


Final verdict:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_paralysis

SangreV
11-25-2012, 07:06 PM
Final verdict:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_paralysis

Sleep paralysis has definitely produced some of the strangest experiences I've ever had.

People who claim to be have been abducted by aliens, tortured in hell, had near-death experiences, hallucinated about seeing ghosts and so on have probably just had a sleep paralysis experience.

crazybitch
11-28-2012, 07:04 AM
Nvm. I don't know what I was posting. The mind is powerful, and the true power comes from consciousness.

Doom Juan
12-09-2012, 01:33 PM
This thread is odd on so many levels.

crazybitch
01-26-2013, 11:07 PM
Hey Sabine, if you haven't already you might like www.schizophreniaforums.com (http://www.schizophreniaforums.com) there are mostly people with the SZ label who are higher functioning and it's almost a small community of sorts. We support each other, and there's a chatroom. It's all free but you can donate, and if you donate you have access to the marketplace where you can upload a novel, movie, or piece of art you made and make it free or sell it on the website. This was an idea to help keep the site going, since it's owned and run by someone who has limited funs, and also has the schizophrenia dx. We have helped with stigma and bias by communicating on the level that we share similar values and humanity.

I have already uploaded three books. Two are free. I hope to see you there!

Miss Sabine
01-27-2013, 08:51 AM
Thank you for the invitation.
Looks very interesting!

crazybitch
01-27-2013, 11:30 AM
Since the forum was randomly shut down for no explanation:

Schizophrenia: A Culturally Imposed Weakness

Is there anything good about this maligned illness that has been hidden, ignored, or overlooked?
It's ironic that even on a popular forum that is supposed to be supporting people with schizophrenia, there is nothing but hatred and bias and stigma. You mods can keep staring, maybe you're eyes will hurt eventually.

I'm hurt and sick of stigma. I want to be understood. How can people with a label that is not understood ever be understood if they are stigmatized based on a label implicit of everything but the actual truth. Schizophrenia has not been proven to be genetic, though it can seem to pass along in families there is no actual proof of a genetic link, so it could be a behavioral meme, stress, or something else entirely such as an infection of viral mutation. In studies the only similarities found in those with schizophrenia were their immunology which was higher than those without it. It might suggest a different biology which combats certain diseases but also over-stresses the mind through an over-active immune system, but that's MY theory.

Just as those in Europe adapted through having a certain immunity to the Black Death, those with schizophrenia possibly have certain adaptations which make them less susceptible to one disease but not the other. If you were fighting infection in the womb from a parasite, as is the case with many born in winter, then your immune system had to go into hyper-drive, leaving a more hyper-sensitive and sometimes also more intelligent child, but if you kept over-stressing the child or if the environment become one where the child could not function he/she may feel her whole world was unraveling.

I was born in Winter, and I am extremely immune to diseases. I could (I dont) go for months without brushing my teeth without cavities or even notice it. I've never broken a bone or got the flu since I was a teenager. The only thing I'm sensitive to are rashes like poison ivy. Even then I have no known allergies. I have no STD's or anything else. I believe I have some kind of strong immune resistance to viruses which explains why I would get one over the other.

So while research can suggest whatever the heck it wants anymore, I know from personal experience that I was born 100 percent healthy and intelligent until my late teens when stress basically tipped me into a state of mental shock which we call psychosis. And I've been told PTSD and schizophrenia used to be interchangeable, but of course I'm not a leading scientist so I can't really help people like these scientists and professionals with more knowledge than I do on the subject.

But if I'm right, than what this culture calls schizophrenia today could be what keeps humans alive in the future! Evolution and adaptation cannot be forced to fit into a box just like suffocating the planet's resources won't help either of us breathe.

Alterkaker66
07-28-2013, 06:45 PM
i know this discussion has been quiet for a long time, but I want to thank Miss Sabine and Crazybitch for their honest explanations. I grew up with a schizophrenic mother in the medieval medical era where a lobotomy or shock treatment were the only treatments commonly used. She had watched her older brother go through shock therapy and was scared to death of it. I know she suffered greatly, but because she wouldn't accept help when treatment became less brutal, the whole family suffered too. On the subject of genetics.....well, I'm inclined to think more succeptiblities are passed on than we know. Out of the 5 surving children in my moms family, 3 had muscular dystrophy. The same 3 had schizophrenia or were bi-polar with psychotic episodes (schizo-effective). The other 2 had addictions and exhibited sociopathic behavior. They also died from complications with severe adult onset diabetes. In my mind there is no doubt about the origins of my own medical problems. There's also no doubt that I lack the gutsy way you ladies deal with life. Kudos!

crazybitch
08-01-2013, 11:43 PM
i know this discussion has been quiet for a long time, but I want to thank Miss Sabine and Crazybitch for their honest explanations. I grew up with a schizophrenic mother in the medieval medical era where a lobotomy or shock treatment were the only treatments commonly used. She had watched her older brother go through shock therapy and was scared to death of it. I know she suffered greatly, but because she wouldn't accept help when treatment became less brutal, the whole family suffered too. On the subject of genetics.....well, I'm inclined to think more succeptiblities are passed on than we know. Out of the 5 surving children in my moms family, 3 had muscular dystrophy. The same 3 had schizophrenia or were bi-polar with psychotic episodes (schizo-effective). The other 2 had addictions and exhibited sociopathic behavior. They also died from complications with severe adult onset diabetes. In my mind there is no doubt about the origins of my own medical problems. There's also no doubt that I lack the gutsy way you ladies deal with life. Kudos!

You're sweet. Yeah it's the hardest illness sometimes, because I have to take pills and that's the only way the paranoia can be controlled. Well I am ok enough to take stimulants, but not in excessive amounts. I have had an ok hold on the paranoia for awhile, and then my "friends" attempted to mess with me this past few weeks and it's been hard to deal with. I've been a mess. I just wish I could wave a magic wand and it'd be gone. Someone told me I was immortal, and being that I was delusional I believed him and stopped eating for two weeks. I had no hunger and I thought I would live forever if I didn't eat. My ex boyfriend rescued me and I went to his house and he made organic noodles, although I didn't tell him I had been starving myself because I am ashamed. I want to make the illness go away. But it's like a damned curse, of course God has helped me overcome a lot of it. And my own strength and resistence. I'm not ashamed to have it, because I know how far I've come from being a psychotic mess that it could overtake my life, if I gave up.

crazybitch
01-05-2014, 11:16 AM
http://www.mymaduniverse.blogspot.com/p/blog-page_1.html

I'm done with this memoir. I finished. It's a bunch of writings and stuff.