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King_Murderer33
07-04-2013, 12:36 PM
Hey there, I've been interested in creative writing for a while now but could never really come up with a concept large enough to follow through completely. Recently however, I was listening to System of a Down's Hypnotize album and felt that I could take my own interpretations of each song and create a story from this. This is my first "big" project and before continuing it I thought I'd share the prelude and part of the first chapter with you all in hopes that you could give me some feedback on what I've done so far.

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Prelude: Detached Conversations

The wind calmly blew warm sand across our faces as children played, mothers sang and fathers worked to earn their living. People trusted each other in our village. Travellers were always welcome provided they adhered to our community rules and didn’t cause trouble. Our people have been studied by the bigger lands so that they could find out why we were always happy despite such a dark past. The entire population of our people are confined to this small village as a result of two wars and an attempt at genocide in the past Century. We believe that we remained happy because of the general of equality shared amongst our people. No one person was more important than another, no one was left to suffer should another option be available, and we relied on each other to survive. Yet despite our peaceful and quiet nature, the bigger lands still desired to study us and wanted to make us part of their “global strategy” – as they called it.
We never had any quarry with the bigger land, as they provided us with insight into their ways and provided us with materials to continue rebuilding our nation in return for information on our past and present lifestyle – a harmless trade is it not? We were foolish to believe that the bigger land had only our best interests in mind. We were foolish to allow them so much information, and we were foolish to let our guards down. We learned the hard way that history has an awful tendency of repeating itself.
After a few weeks of absence the representatives of the bigger land began to make their presence more apparent. Instead of a small vehicle the housed three to five of them, much larger black vehicles were situated along the outskirts of our land… waiting. They appeared to be constructing tall frame-like structures with beacons pointing towards the village, and yet my people seemed not to notice. Could it be that only I could see this? Or was the rest of the village purposely ignoring it? So many questions litter my mind that appear impossible to answer. I knew that the bigger land was planning something.

Chapter One: … We Fall Alone…

The objects that we could see over the horizon were horrifyingly familiar to us all, and at this point my entire village and I realised that we were due for something unforeseen and something we were woefully unprepared for. Among the large, black vehicles were giant tanks that were moving ever closer to the village day by day. On an unfortunate day the tanks began to race towards us causing the ground below us to tremble in fear as my people began to panic. The bigger land had provided the tanks with company in the form of giant metallic birds whirling towards us in haste and when they had reached the village they hovered above us motionless, crowning the Sun with their emotionless embrace.
The tanks reached the village and circled us all. We huddled together for protection, men at the formation’s edge circling the women and children. At this point a voice fired from one of the whirling birds. I remember this voice well. It penetrated my body and rushed down my spine at such intensity that I was sure my spine had been broken – I could not move a single muscle as the voice demanded our land from us. When the voice said that they would use extreme force to take the land the tanks dragged their turrets towards us and stared us down. The black vehicles then arrived and began to pour out armoured men with weapons and at this point one man rose and walked towards one of the tanks, turned and held his hands to the voice.

“Why, so powerfully, do you desire this land? Do you not see how desolate our environment is? For generations we have been oppressed by the bigger lands and for generations we have been recovering from attempts at our annihilation. Look! Towards my people! Do you not see them huddled in fear? Do you not see the children clinging to their mothers, knowing that they may never feel the warm touch of safety again? These heartless machines that surround us, what do you expect them to do? Kill us? Scare us? And these faceless men, what is their role? Come, my friends! Come, my family! This land is ours! We have worked and fought for it for hundreds and hundreds of years!”

The man’s words filled my soul with fire and inspiration. As I began to rise the voice uttered nothing but a single word that doused my flame instantly…

“Attack.”

The armoured men pointed their weapons to the man and opened fire, spraying his being with dozens upon dozens of bullets before turning their attention to the huddled mass of my people. The whirling birds unleashed at thick gas that entered our lungs and began to strangle us from within.

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This isn't a discussion of musical preference, so I'd appreciate it if people kept any opinions of System of a Down to themselves - not that I'm not interested, I'm just looking for feedback with my concept and writing skills. I hope you do enjoy what I've written so far and I'm open to any legitimate criticisms :)

crazybitch
07-05-2013, 01:01 PM
Hey, let me know if you've read this (if the link works). I have a similar vein of writing that I wrote a couple years ago into more completion. Feel free to derive any inspiration you want from it, I don't think ideas can be copied verbatim. It's almost as if these stories ask to be written because there is a truth that is read from our own world playing out right now. While some dystopians can encourage us through fear of consequences, I feel today we need more of a robust alternative within them to really impact people. Feel free to let me know ur thoughts, through PM. You are on the right track (opening that inspires empathy). :)

Oh shit, forgot the link: http://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/56651091/index.html

King_Murderer33
07-05-2013, 01:09 PM
Thank you for taking the time to read it, I really do appreciate it! :) I've only read the first paragraph of what you've sent me due to time constraints but I'll try to set some time to read it fully. What I've read so far is really, really good! :)

crazybitch
07-05-2013, 01:27 PM
Thank you for taking the time to read it, I really do appreciate it! :) I've only read the first paragraph of what you've sent me due to time constraints but I'll try to set some time to read it fully. What I've read so far is really, really good! :)

Awesome!! & I think you'll like the Epilogue if you read the whole story. This part is more of the backbones of it; sisters who knew each other as kids, eventually escape a small village (so they don't become child soldiers), then manage to both get sent to a brainwashing facility that everyone calls "The Wasteland" which is also kind of a metaphorical analogy for humanity's demise. The epilogue starts the younger sister (Molly's) story after she is released with no knowledge of her family or sister (thinking she was left for dead) and Sarah (the other sister) in her end it's more of a mystery. Molly joins the League of Dreams (an underground resistance) mentioned that has been around for ages.

I haven't finished, but this is the big ending I plan to write. It's still worth reading, but at the end when both sisters are "thrown away" in a toxic river, the toxins have an affect which makes them both immortal. Sarah escapes, and Molly is discovered but does not even know of her own immortality until she reaches a certain age (late twenties, which Sarah had already reached) and her first discoveries are her own psychic power.

The task is actually writing this all down and publishing.

King_Murderer33
07-05-2013, 02:00 PM
Sounds really interesting, my sort of thing :) I haven't got the details yet, but the main plot in my story is of a man who escapes his village that is under attack by the army of a larger nation. I'm planning to make the story follow him through his life after this event such as trying to bring recognition to what happened to his people or trying to simply stand up and fight - I've so many ideas for this project that I don't know what to do with them haha. Good luck to you in finishing this piece, it seems really interesting and I'm looking forward to reading it fully! :)