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crazybitch
07-28-2014, 12:18 AM
Ok, so it's been like four days that I began cutting back on smoking, supplementing chain-smoking nicotine with blazing and medication. I'm not depressed, but every now and then I still have schizo moments where I get stranded behind veil of mortality. I'm craving something so much I can't deny it, and every time my friend tells me not to smoke I feel a little bit less light-headed. I'm in love with the lift that comes after seconds of endless agony. Reflecting on how it feels to lose your mind, and watch the world around you become false. I hate the fear that comes with not succeeding in proving that I'm sharp and straight, not twisted and broken. If I wasn't so melancholy about my suffering I might not dwell so much in the past. It's just nearly difficult to put all the unsolved lapses back into the infinite whir of my fanclub.

Maybe I was not lost after all, and had strong enough faith to find my own pulse and start over, continually evolving from the wrecked state of life. Does God serve us our mortality like chocolate cake on a shiny platter? It's up to each person to find the inner exploited soul they own. Even in the face of further exploitation. If you have no guts, you get no glory. Maybe it was delusional to think that insanity was a conspiracy, or that I was brainwashed in order to fulfill the new world order. That a woman can be more than spiritually gifted or psychic. I'm not ashamed, I'm angry. I want to win. I want all the power and I don't know if I deserve anything.

I came home to find an unopened envelop with my mom's perfect handwriting on it. Like a secret message, "I, her mother, do not think my daughter should have to take medication for schizophrenia if she doesn't have schizophrenia. I disputed this in court and won."How depressing....I've been getting high almost every day for several months now. This has been the staple of my recovery. Not the 10 minute appointment with doctor baller who thinks I'm just as nuts as the last screw on the table. I'm so done. Why am I so happy? Viva Revolution!

I imagine that once we see the detainee photos of the aliens we captured their eyes will be blacked out too. Not that anyone cared.

blue angel
07-29-2014, 11:15 PM
-good luck x