I desperately need your advice, guys

[Alexandra]

Over a month ago I promised my classmate to help her prepare for an English "summer exam", which if she passes will grant her promotion to the next grade in high school. If she fails, she will have to repeat 11th grade.

The problem is that this time if she fails, she will repeat 11th grade for the third time, because she already failed last year, so she's also one year older than me.

Just to make clear, in Poland if you receive the lowest possible grades from subjects, even just one, at the end of the second semester (one school year has two semesters) it means you you fail and don't get promoted to the next grade. BUT you are privileged to write a "summer exam" from maximum two failed subjects and if you pass them, you get promoted. If you fail during the school year at more than two subjects, then you don't have that privilege and thus don't have any chance to get promoted anyway.

And my classmate failed at one subject, English, and can choose to write that exam at the end of August, right before school starts. That
is, if she wants to get promoted to the next grade and avoid being stuck in the same 11th grade for three years in a row.

And since I had the highest grade in our class in English, I promised to help her prepare. I didn't want her to pay me anything, I just wanted to do it out of good will. And now I fucking regret it.

In the first half of July, she didn't even bother asking me for help, because she was busy partying and having fun before she had to start thinking about studying. Then, over a week ago, she calls me and wants me to meet with to start preparing. And since my mother is in the hospital and for the past two months I've been constantly busy with my own personal problems, plus trying as hard as I could in getting out of a black hole and finally starting to live a normal life, I told her that for the next two days I would be busy. But I added that on Saturday I'll be free.

Saturday comes and she writes me a message on Facebook that her aunt died in a plane accident and she'll be away from home for the weekend to be with her family. Fine, I responded that I'm sorry for her loss but that I won't be able to meet in the following days.

We finally met for the first time on Wednesday last week and I decided to start with Conditional Types 0 and 1 but, lo and behold, I found out that her knowledge is so poor that she didn't even know what Present Simple looks like. On Thursday I sent her homework on Facebook and to this day she didn't do it and send it to me to check for errors.

Anyway, on Thursday her "best friend forever" whom I'll call here "Amanda" (who also is one year older than me because she also failed last summer and repeated 11th grade) asked me on FB how is "Sally" doing (the girl I'm helping; I changed her name). I told her that we finally met for the first time two days ago and lied that she's doing fine to calm her down. Amanda in turn replied that Sally told her that we met already a few times! And added that she also told her that I almost always didn't have the time to meet with her. I replied that, yes, I didn't have time before but once I was free, she told me that she'll be away from home for the weekend. Amanda was shocked and told me that she was in Warsaw all the time. What the fuck?!

Amanda said that she'll have to have a serious talk with Sally. On the next day, Sally called me and was mad at me that I told Amanda the truth about how many times we met because she want her to be worried and to constantly butt in asking if she's studying, because it annoys her. Then she explained that the reason why she didn't tell Amanda about her aunt is that she hates when people are sorry for her, especially her best friend. Then she told me that on Saturday her family comes to her and she won't be able to meet but from Sunday and so on she'll be free. But Sunday was my 18th birthday and said that I could meet on Monday.

Monday finally comes, I call her (instead of her calling me, but whatever) and she tells me that she's at work and completely forgot. I wanted to tell her "Well, then fuck you and if I'm the one who cares more about your ass than you, then study yourself." But I bit my tongue and said that I'll meet with her later today when she comes back from work.

I have to add that she and her group of friends are going on a two week holiday on 2nd August. Sally told me that she'll come back a week earlier, because she can't let herself stay longer for obvious reasons. But I on the other hand am planning to go on holiday with my close friends in mid August, so it seems like I have merely a week now until she goes and then when she comes back I'll have just another week to help her before I go. And her exam will take place when I'll be away.

The reason why I fucking want her to pass this stupid exam is that if she fails, Sally will blame me for failing at helping her and for being a shitty teacher but also Amanda (who didn't fail at any subject and got promoted) will make sure to turn 12th grade into hell for me for setting two "best friends forever" apart.

I don't know what to do because I can't tell her to get herself professional help from an English teacher because she's poor but I also can't tell her that I don't give a shit anymore and "help yourself" because I know that she won't be able to understand certain things without someone explaining them clearly. And there's practically no one in our class that knows grammar good enough to explain it properly.

But on the other hand I don't want to help her anymore because she's acting like a fucking lazy brat and I'm the one who's working here, trying to write her those idiotic exercises, which takes me a lot of time and this situation is killing me, while I also have other things, 10 times more important than this to worry about, like my own mom's health.

I don't know what to do. :(

[Norsefire]

Yeah it seems like if she can't help herself then you shouldn't really bend over backwards to help her out. You've offered to help her, and then when you mentioned she was out partying, well if that's the choice she wants to make then it will be her fault she wont move up a grade.
I'm not saying you can't go out and have fun and study, but if I had already failed it twice I think I would pretty much want to work my ass off to make sure I didn't go through the grade again.

If she fails, don't take any blame for it, it's not your fault. You can only do so much, she needs to do the rest.

[Lucille]

I'm sorry that you're stuck in this predicament. Personally I believe that if someone isn't making the effort, they should face the consequences. If failing twice already hasn't made her serious about committing to this and passing, there is no reason to believe that anything else will make her take it seriously. Stop being polite. Tell her that if she wants your help she'll meet on the days that YOU'RE free, and if she doesn't want to do that, then she can seek help from someone else.

As for her friend making your life hell in grade 12, honestly how bad can she really make it? Just tell the truth as to what really happened. This girl wouldn't commit or do the work or bend her schedule to accomodate you, the one who offered to help her for free. If your peers can't see the logic in your side of the story, then fuck them. You are an intelligent, strong woman, and you don't need the approval of ignorant people anyway. High school is almost over too, and in my experience people tend to get a bit less dramatic and angst-y in grade 12. If people start giving you trouble because of this foolish girl, find yourself a group of friends that you can relate to on a maturity and intelligence level. You'll do fine. :)

[CellarOwl]

Of course she's going to blame you for failing. If she bothered to take any responsibility for herself in the first place, she would never have been in this situation. You're being far too accomodating with your time and life, which clearly you value more than she does. At the very least, she has meet you 50/50 on everything. If she can't do that than it's not worth it for either of you to invest your time.

[Alexandra]

Yeah it seems like if she can't help herself then you shouldn't really bend over backwards to help her out. You've offered to help her, and then when you mentioned she was out partying, well if that's the choice she wants to make then it will be her fault she wont move up a grade.
I'm not saying you can't go out and have fun and study, but if I had already failed it twice I think I would pretty much want to work my ass off to make sure I didn't go through the grade again.

Yes, exactly and her attitude is just making me want to slap her in the face to wake her up because if she fails this year, she'll probably lose any chances to get enrolled to any good or at least decent college. But her being the party animal she is, I doubt she'd even want to do that. Okay, I love to party from time to time as well, but not every few days when you should be worried about passing an important exam. :/

If she fails, don't take any blame for it, it's not your fault. You can only do so much, she needs to do the rest.

I wouldn't be that silly to take any blame, what I meant before is that she and her friend will blame me.

I'm sorry that you're stuck in this predicament. Personally I believe that if someone isn't making the effort, they should face the consequences. If failing twice already hasn't made her serious about committing to this and passing, there is no reason to believe that anything else will make her take it seriously. Stop being polite. Tell her that if she wants your help she'll meet on the days that YOU'RE free, and if she doesn't want to do that, then she can seek help from someone else.

I've already told her once that I get the impression that she's not really interested in my help to which she started denying and said that it's not not as it seems. I'd have to be a fool to believe that and like you said, I should stop hoping that I'll change her attitude.

As for her friend making your life hell in grade 12, honestly how bad can she really make it? Just tell the truth as to what really happened. This girl wouldn't commit or do the work or bend her schedule to accomodate you, the one who offered to help her for free. If your peers can't see the logic in your side of the story, then fuck them. You are an intelligent, strong woman, and you don't need the approval of ignorant people anyway. High school is almost over too, and in my experience people tend to get a bit less dramatic and angst-y in grade 12. If people start giving you trouble because of this foolish girl, find yourself a group of friends that you can relate to on a maturity and intelligence level. You'll do fine. :)

I was worried about her friend because I've already gone through bullying in junior high school, so I couldn't help thinking that those times would come back. But when I asked myself, after reading what you wrote, how bad could it be and what could happen, I realized that it can't be as bad as junior high mostly because, like you said, people in last grades are different but also because I think I've moved over now and can handle such situations better than I used to. I guess my memories overtook my mind and I couldn't think rationally, so thank you for the advice and calming me down as well. :)

Of course she's going to blame you for failing. If she bothered to take any responsibility for herself in the first place, she would never have been in this situation. You're being far too accomodating with your time and life, which clearly you value more than she does. At the very least, she has meet you 50/50 on everything. If she can't do that than it's not worth it for either of you to invest your time.

I agree and as sad as this may seem, this girl has taught me that being good for other people (mostly those who aren't dear to you) isn't worth it.

Thanks for the advice everyone, I also needed to rant and get this off of my chest, so I feel a bit better now.



P.S. "Sally" has texted me a few hours ago after coming back from work and wrote that she's "too tired and meeting today wouldn't have any sense, because she wouldn't be able to focus and understand anything" and asked "if 1 PM tomorrow is okay".

I fucking love human beings. :)

</sarcasm>

[Sputnik]

I really don't see how her education is your problem if she's refusing the help that you're offering her. I think, just tell her that if she doesn't put the effort into it during that one week, then you're not responsible for it in any way.
Just tell her that you won't be able to teach her if she's skipping meetings and whatever.

[Alexandra]

YES! :D

She just wrote me a message and said that "her neighbor gave her a lesson and she explains everything in a way that she understands." She added "don't get me wrong but you just explain things in your own way, but thank you anyway for your effort and time and I owe a beer or two".

Yes, yes, yes, yes! I thought I was going to start jumping from happiness! If she fails, she won't blame me for that, plus I won't waste my time and energy and stop being stressed about her possibly failing. I'm glad I can go back to worrying about my own problems and enjoy what's left of vacation. I seriously have to stop being foolishly good and polite to random people, other than the ones I really care about, because it seems that you only get your ass kicked in return. :(
I'm just so happy that this ended without any conflicts between me and anyone else.

Thank you Pebbles for your advice and thanks once again Norse, Lucille and CellarOwl. :)

[The Empirical Guy]

Well, good that things look like turning out ok then. What I was going to say, though, was that she's clearly not making the effort. If she fails, it's entirely her fault - fuck it, not your problem. Amanda wants to give you shit for splitting her and Sally up? If they were best friends, Amanda would be doing more to help her instead of bitching at you.

[Dope Box]

I will just put it out there : Overly good people, who go out of their way to help others, neglecting their own personal needs and wants, will always be used and abused. Exceptions are rare. Its okay if you do it once or twice every now and then with people that you know, but making a habit of it will only result in you becoming a 'tool' for everybody to use as they find convenient.

[Lucille]

Glad everything worked out love. :)