Feedback on Marilyn Manson-esque industrial rock song

[Illicium]

Hey guys

I'm new here but this look's like a pretty awesome forum! :)

This is my first attempt at industrial rock, I wanted to do something along the lines of Manson (vocal wise). Check out the song here:

http://soundcloud.com/abysmaldirge/the-matyrs-of-woe

I do the vocals in this song, the rest of the music was recorded by my band which doesn't yet have a name. The vocals come in at about 1:30, I'm thinking of using this as an intro track so it has a pretty long intro.

Any feedback would be much appreciated!

[thatrussianman]

I appreciate the effort

Gets a bit repetitive, and you might wanna record it with something other than Garage band.

[Kollaps]

^

I agree. There are some good ideas, but what is ruining the song is that you are riding the main riff for way too long. The percussion was also very tacky sounding.

To me, it just sounds like you don't really have enough parts to make a whole song yet. You also need to do a lot more practice with your vocals, you are very pitchy and you obviously haven't found your own sound yet. So don't be afraid to sound like you, because that is what people will respond too.

Good luck, keep at it!

[Illicium]

Thank you both for your feedback/constructive criticism. So basically you think the general direction I'm going in is good but that I should work on perfecting the vocals and add some more guitar melodies to make it less monotonous?

[Cringeon]

The voice just sounds like a bad parody. I think you can take some points from MM's style and use your own voice to still sound influenced by him without sounding like you are trying to rip him off. I just think a lot of people who try to mimic the vocal patterns of MM end off sounding a lot worse.

[eleven44]

Manson also uses a vocal effect that I can't recall and a strange EQ on the vocals. The EQ style is also prevalent on Jay Gordon's recordings. I wish I could tell you the exact EQ dial, I used to have it.

[cataphyll]

The music reminds me more of Tool than Manson, though I agree with the dude above who said the vocals sounded like a bad MM parody.

My advice:
1. Shorten the intro.
2. Do something with the percussion in the intro. At the very least, fix the timing. It's like someone was lazily triggering the sounds on a keyboard and nobody wanted to go back and clean it up. If I were recording it, I'd loop several bars in the sequencer and keep messing with the beat until I found something that felt right. You can stick with two basic sounds, but I think a steady and subtle 4th or 8th rhythm would really tie it together.
3. Re-do the vocals, and just make it sound like you. And experiment with double-tracking them.