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Thread: Do You Have Insecurities? (Self loathing thread)

  1. #1
    You the Chicken Christina's Avatar
    Join Date: 06.20.09
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    Default Do You Have Insecurities? (Self loathing thread)

    I'm not generally an insecure person, per say. But it seems the older I've gotten the more I've started to dislike certain things about myself. Mentally, physically and emotionally. I was just curious if any of you have insecurities or self loathing aspects of you.

    (I've especially gotten more uncomfortable with being naked and having the feeling I'm being looked at constantly. Feels shitty)

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  3. #2
    Married to Shangri-LIE Suedehead's Avatar
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    A smidgen of insecurity is constructive and beneficial because it sparks self examination and improvement. Confidence is often misappropriated to mean the absence of insecurity but, in fact, you have to experience feelings of vulnerability and uncertainty to attain self awareness and acceptance.

    I've always been plagued by incredible anxiety, often born from a perceived lack of control over choices and situations. I grew up with an intense and oppressive framework of standards to which I had to conform, anything else was considered complete and utter failure. So, for a long time I compared myself, intellectually, to people who were brutal and instinting in their quest for puissance. I eventually ran myself ragged with arduous, relentless effort and decided to pursue my own interests rather than those which were thrust upon me, and the insecurities just ebbed away. I am, however, still terribly old school English and always shy and apologetic when I meet new people. This annoys the hell out of me and is something I'm working on.

    With regards to emotional insecurities, experience has taught me that if you don't cling to something or someone it/they eventually go away, so I think I am now, more than ever, a little too limpet-esque when it comes to important emotional attachments. This is subject to flux though and, paradoxically, I'm not wholly dependent on other people for any true sense of self worth anymore.

    Aesthetic insecurities are pretty pointless, I like my face because it's mine and I wouldn't want to look like anyone else. However, my hips and bum are a constant source of irritation to me and I do often wish they weren't so well upholstered...or at least were in proportion to the rest of me. Additionally, I have something of an obsession with my hair and some days my self esteem is directly proportional to how glossy it looks.

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  5. #3
    cold blows the wind Golden Eel's Avatar
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    I can only imagine that everybody here is pretty fucked up in some way or another. This is decidedly not the place where mentally and emotionally level-headed people come to hang out.

    With that being said, I'm not really sold on the idea that legitimate happiness actually exists. My friends and I are all miserable and it's been that way forever. Even my more laid back friends are silently being crushed under anxiety and stress and whatever else. I've never been close able to get more than superficially close to one of these 'happy' people, that's a completely absurd thing to even think about. I used to encounter those types every once in a while pre-5am at multiple jobs and they were always sure to ruin my day. There was one especially excitable Chaplain who embodied this personality, and if that wasn't bad enough he was trying to recruit me into the Church, and when I made it clear that that won't be an option he proceeded to attempt recruiting me for the Marine Corps. It was a nightmare, every day. But he was just so goddamn nice and happy and thoughtful - I can't imagine that's his real personality. It must be truly exhausting.

    <hypothesis> You're telling me that these people: hear their alarm start to chime at 3:45am and sit up in bed like no big deal, as if they've been lying there for 20 minutes, just itching to do a "movie scene yawn-and-stretch." They hop out of bed and skip over to the kitchen because the water for their organic pour-over was on a timer they prepared last night and is just beginning to boil. Then they let that cool down a bit while they go take a 45 minute shower. Does that seem like a masturbatory length of time? Well they're an early riser, they're in no hurry silly! It's only 4:30 and they don't start work until 10am - they just looove to get a fresh start on the day and wake up when the dew on their perfectly manicured lawn still has that intoxicating smell and while the moon hangs bright and fills them with love for life as if it were a clean, pure ecstasy pill.

    They sit out front on their deck and savor their free-trade Guatemala espresso while they finish an old book to candlelight. You think they would go back inside after this but no way dude, they have to really sit out there and just really take in the sunrise, ya know? We never stop for a second these days, we're always so busy and distracted, ya know? Sometimes we just have to unplug and admire the miraculous of this world around us, ya know? Of course you do! :)

    As the neighborhood begins to come to life, they'll surely wave to Mr. Johnson and Mrs. Anderson and little Scotty Jasperson taking on his paper route for the day - doesn't it just fill you with glee to witness the youth beginning to start their lives as you watch an adorable child transition into a proud young adult? Of course our wonderful protagonist knows the name and schedules of all of his close neighbors - it's just common courtesy!

    It's around 6am now which makes it about time to hit the gym! This person isn't worried about their looks a worrying amount or anything, they just love to be healthy. The looks are just a side-effect. A happy accident if you will! They have a full membership at the place a mile from their home and they're just adored by the staff there because they go out of their way to bring in coffee and egg sandwiches every morning! How wonderful!

    It's 8am now, after what was a healthy and reasonable morning of exercising and of course wiping down every machine and not letting one dumbbell remain out of place. Another quick shower at the gym (the first one this morning was just a little treat teehee) before heading back home to cook up some scrambled eggs and wheat toast just like mama used to make, sliding about the kitchen in an almost musical sync to Good Morning America's story about what we can do to help bring in the Christmas spirit this year. And they can eat all that because they're not a health freak or anything, they're just doing what they can to keep up with the ole' grind, hahahah.

    By now it's about 8:45am which means it's almost time to head into work! Work doesn't start until 10 and it's only a few minutes away, but they like to get there a little early just to be safe. The quality assurance job at the beige-tinted tofu-flavored fizzy water factory isn't so bad either. They don't make a braggadocios amount of money and they have the polite and respectful disagreement with their boss from time to time - but hey, they can support themselves and they're not going without. That's all you can ask for! And what little excess they have, they feel fit to donate to a local shelter or food bank. But they also don't want to be somebody who helps without 'really' helping so they also donate upwards of 100 hours per month to various local non-profits. You just have to give back, you know?

    Well, it's around 9am by now and DRATS!! They just remembered they were going to let their coworker borrow the DVD of La La Land, but they forgot it at home! Ah golly, they never do stuff like this. They debate in their head whether to go back home and grab it, although that would increase their likelihood of being tardy a small amount. Hm, wait a second, they see a gas station up ahead with a big neon "DVD'S" sign in the window. Perfect! They'll just buy a new DVD for Alice in HR, it's the least that will make up for their friggin' bone-headed mistake.

    ...And this is where I come into this story. It's 9:07am and I'm just shuffling towards work. I was supposed to be there at 8:30, but I woke up at about 8:50 after hitting 'snooze' a couple extra times. Which doesn't much matter anyway because I fell asleep/passed out at 7:15. I didn't brush my hair or beard more than the cursory amount of times. I'm withdrawing from opium and nicotine, hungover and exhausted and angry to be awake or alive. I can't remember the last time I didn't scream in ambiguous but deep contempt upon hearing my alarm go off in the morning. My back and my hips hurt and I just know my boss is going to up my ass for fucking sitting down for one fucking second today. I'm dead behind my sunglasses, shuffling towards the gas station in low power CPU-throttling mode, observing nothing but what's directly in a straight line out from my eyes. Nothing on the drive but a vague daydream about what it would be like if I were to call it quits on this whole life thing and just say fuck it and go do drugs in a trailer until I have nothing left monetarily, physically, mentally, or shamefully.

    I almost make it in the door but there's some random jackass customer trying to walk outside at the same time and we almost collide. Great. Oh god, what the fuck is with this guy? Why is he wearing a piss yellow striped over-sized button down shirt and slacks? Is he a head-manager at the stupid fucking dweeb factory or what? Why is he smiling at 9am??? I don't even get through thinking about 10% of how annoyed I already was before he throws out a "Oh I guess you wanna dance with me, huh? hahahaha" All I can muster is one of those 'heh' things where you blow a puff of air out of your nose and do a brief shoulder shrug. I try to move past him but this time he actively hops over to block me again for a laugh, "Well at least buy me dinner first fella! hahahaha" I'm already 150% sick of this guy's whole... vibe so instead of another annoyed shrug at his joke, he gets a "Dude I have to get to work so if you could fucking move to one side, that would be great." which takes him aback a tiny bit but he acts very apologetic and respectful while moving aside. Plus it actually makes me feel a bit bad about being a dick, but eh whatever, dude already left in his Prius so who gives a shit.

    Sitting on my stool at the counter while my boss stocks the walk-in and I deal with groups of 18 fishermen coming in for coffee and then bitching that the coffee's out. Dealing with shaky drunks who are in first thing because they've been out all night. Ignoring the stoners stealing Twinkies and lighters. The normal stuff, that kind of job is like bobbling for apples except the apples are your paycheck and you have to get your head nice and deep inside the dregs of humanity and slimy mouthbreathers of all stripes. On auto-pilot mindlessly scanning cigarettes and vodka shooters when Dilbert McMilquetoast saunters back in, clearly in a hurry. Yet he waits for the first 3 groups in life to go through first. I hope he's not going to apologize for the door thing because that would make this even more shitty.

    NOPE! Instead, it's right on out with it, "Hey I saw you in here earlier and you just... reminded me a lot of myself when I was your age. I can sense the anger and pain inside you." I already have my eyes fully shut listening to him. "I just thought I would offer you something that really helped me when I was younger. I'm not incredibly religious, but-" Oh my god. "- I do have a bunch of these little booklets that-" oh my god stop "- really help to express what Jesus is really about and what it means to accept him as lord and savior."

    And before I could really say anything, just like the world's worst street musician or Thai golf ball show, he unceremoniously yanks a fat wad of of these unmistakable little paper rectangles from somewhere within his khakis at least. He piles them in a free spot on the counter while walking and greeting me goodbye with "My number is on a few of those if you ever need to talk about anything" I shake my head in total exasperation. I have been awake for under 30 minutes at this point and it's already certifiably the most retarded day ever. With two brief interactions, this guy has already made me terribly angry in his righteousness and presumptuousness but most importantly the fact that it was 9am and this dude was prancing around like he'd been up all morning and 9am was early afternoon for him. Like I bet this guy just gets out of bed with a pep already in his goddamn step. Ugh.

    You're telling me that's all legit? And that guy doesn't have some fucked up horrid secrets buried deeply somewhere? As if! They're all frauds!

    </hypothesis>

    So now that anybody (aka nobody) has read this story I felt the need to invent on the spot as I went along in a zoomed out haze for two hours, I hope some will agree with me that most of us have some screws loose from this or that. Which is fine, but it will never be anywhere near as ugly as becoming a boring, generic, jerk-off who wakes up with a smile and goes to bed fulfilled. I can't think of a bigger waste of a life than becoming one of these no-personality jellyfish or some dead-eyed Tom Cruise "Woohoo I'm so excited" guy.

    I'd rather have low confidence than undeserved confidence. So I've settled for a healthy dollop of both. The highs and the lows give each other meaning and energy and passion.

    TL;DR - Happy, confident people are, objectively and I believe according to the DSM-5, "fucked up weirdos."
         

    and with just one faint glance back into the sea
    the mollusk lingers with its wandering eye
      
      

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  7. #4
    cold blows the wind Golden Eel's Avatar
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    (FWIW, I started that out as a humorous joke like "these people aren't normal" but then I started to get really annoyed with this person I was actively invented, so my annoyance at the collective 'outwardly and aggressively happy' folks basically started fueling it as it turned from laughing to hugely annoyed at this make-believe douche bag lmao.)
         

    and with just one faint glance back into the sea
    the mollusk lingers with its wandering eye
      
      

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  9. #5
    Level 99 space wizard Marsmind's Avatar
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    For teenagers insecurities are just part of life, everyone feels inadequate in some way because of the illusions we're presented with. As an adult now, for me with grown children I'm always wondering if I was a good parent and if I can be there for them when they need me in the future. The thought of not being able to leave them something when I die. The thought of them not being able to deal with this messed up world on their own causes me a lot of anxiety. I want them to break every binding chain and see though the illusion.

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  11. #6
    Administrator
    Unkillable Party Monster
    S.D.'s Avatar
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    I am not remotely exaggerating when I say that there are too many to ever have a complete list. Life is a mess, all you can really do is bullshit and pretend your way through everything that makes you feel insecure. Then at some point you're done.
    "the Serpent was more crafty than any beast of the field which
    the LORD god had made
    "

    m e m e n t o m o r i . p o s t m o r t e m


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  13. #7
    Spirit Animal Procrastinator's Avatar
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    @Golden Eel, this post alone was over 2000 words long. I assume you likely type an average of 3000 words worth of posts in this forum per day- have you ever considered writing, lol? I did find your story quite entertaining and maybe that's because I was stoned when I read it but I sure as hell don't wanna read it again now just to be sure I still find it amusing.

    Anyway, I think most people are insecure in one way or another and that is why people are so successfully manipulated by the media and marketing of different products or services- because they are constantly being told that they're not good/successful enough. Then they go batshit trying to look "better" or be more successful but they're never quite happy because the beauty or success standars set by the media are unrealistic. So I guess what matters is what you do with these insecurities- do you let them control you or do you control them?


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  15. #8
    Enname's Avatar
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    Imposter syndrome.

    Great for drive, but there is nothing like feeling completely fake no matter what you do, what you accomplish and always one step away from being shown up as a fraud and an entirely lost cause. And it spreads, spreads into all areas of life. Also makes it terribly difficult to accept people giving praise as it only reinforces the sense of falseness. Ever found yourself arguing seriously with someone over why their otherwise charming compliment represents an entirely incorrect world view? Yeh. Joy.
    Last edited by Enname; 11-16-2017 at 01:48 AM.
    Quid ignorantia sit multi ignorant.

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  17. #9
    Absolution's Avatar
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    I feel like the older I get the more I see insecurities not as negative things but as things I just need to work on. I've always been a messy person which made me very insecure about having people over, a friend showing up at my doorstep unannounced made my skin crawl with resentment - how dare they put me in a position of embarrassment by wanting to hang out. It wasn't hoarders bad but it was bad. Last year I got sick of it and started improving my house holding and now my place is so clean and orderly that I've been asked if I have OCD, which is like a dream thing to hear since I had been insecure about it for so long.

    I'm currently working on my speech, rapid fire mumbling is not great if you want to be understood. It's a harder problem to fix than the first one but it's also incredibly satisfying to notice an improvement in something so integral to yourself as the way you speak.

    EDIT: I didn't realise this when I was first writing the post but I guess I have a very real new insecurity about not trying hard enough to fix my insecurities lmao
    Last edited by Absolution; 11-15-2017 at 08:04 PM.

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  19. #10
    Hi, friend BreakingYourMomsOldMound's Avatar
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    Sometimes I suspect that the people (my friends, my fiance, etc) who supposedly love me are just around me because I'm the best option they have available at the moment, despite there being no evidence whatsoever to support that conclusion. (Hell, my fiance's gorgeous and she makes my yearly salary in like 3 months.)

    But, the older I get, the less I have this feeling. I think having a better career and getting in shape helped a lot.

    Overall, life's great and I'm happy.

    P.S. If you've got a condition that's fucking up your life, be it anxiety, OCD, depression, please get help. I see people let their issues/idiosyncrasies/insecurities eat them alive when they deserve so much more out of life. It's a shame.

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