Helping survivors of a suicide

[MrCzernobog]

I just found out that a friend of mine committed suicide. Honestly, I haven't made this thread as a way of coping or seeking comfort, but rather as an attempt to receive more practical advice on comforting his other friends and family.

Obviously, I'm very upset to have lost someone close. At the same time, all that I want now is to help others who were close to him. I personally have nothing "morally" against what he did. What worries me is that most of his survivors do, and it may be shown through severe anger at his choice. I don't want them to have to mourn in such a painful way. My friend will be missed, but I hope that he can remain respected as well.

I'll be more specific if need be, but if anyone has advice, it would be accepted. Thank you.

[Mary]

I don't know the circumstances of your friend's suicide, and I know this advice may seem a bit cliche, but having been through the same experience I can honestly say that just remembering the person in the most positive ways, and all the good experiences and values you learnt from them is the best way to comfort yourself and deal with the situation in the most realistic, unharmful way. Try to think of all the good ways your friend has impacted your life, and how you have become a better person because of him.
If those that were close to him are angry at his choice, although I personally don't think suicide is ever a good option, you can just let them know that he is no longer suffering, and depending on their beliefs, you could also say that 'he's gone to a better place' if that will help comfort them.
Just try and get those who are angry to change their perception and thoughts on what happened, because by staying this way they may be doing even more damage to your friend by ruining the last thing that's left of him, a memory. Try to keep those positive to have with your forever.

And I know you didn't make this thread seeking comfort, but I am very sorry to hear about your loss, I hope I have been able to help in some way.

[S.D.]

I agree with what Mary has written, the best anyone can do following the loss of someone close (in any situation) is to remember what their life was about, not their death. I know that might seem a little idealistic when the wounds are still fresh, but it would move focus away from the suicide and establish a different image in people's minds.
I was thinking about this topic last night after reading initially, and wondered whether you might be able to suggest something like an event, or foundation in your friend's name, something that could help others in future, and also ensure that their memory was carried on in a positive way. Perhaps if the reasons for the suicide affect others, a group in his name would work at making sure the same thing doesn't happen again. That is the best idea I can think of, I apologise if it seems unrealistic or unhelpful.

Also, I am sorry for your loss. Suicide is an odd occurrence in terms of aftermath, because it's hard to decide how you view the person's decision, especially if people close to them are left behind. I hope response given here helps contribute to a more positive grieving period.

S.D.

[Cerebrot]

I lost my best friend Patrick to suicide and it nearly took my life down with it. We went through everything together and losing him was like losing hope in battling anything. He couldn't find peace here, and he found it somewhere else. 6 months of drinking and vicodin to get me to realize that, so make sure that you stay strong and busy and productive and don't let it pull you down. Your friend, least of all didn't want to pull YOU down with what he decided... You are still here, and there is things and plans and days and nights left for you to explore and experience.

On a practical note what HELPED my physiologically was: sex, movies, movies, working out, movies, taking extra ridiculous care to be a perfect student, staying extra organized, movies, movies, alcohol, movies. Movies help me escape.

I am sorry for your loss....

[DecayingSinner]

I lost a close friend of mine to a suicide about 10 years ago. Not going into exact details... but we went to a whole bunch of Holy Wood shows and when they were getting ready for Ozzfest '01 I found out weeks after it had occurred. It's something I still think about almost everyday. I do think back on the great times we had and the energy she gave to those around her. I hope you are okay in dealing with your recent loss. My thoughts and hopes are with you.

[Hazekiah]

Sorry to hear about that...sounds like you're taking a pretty reasonable and measured response, at least.

Back in '04 one of my closest friends, Leah, killed herself and -- due to the occasionally long-distance nature of our friendship -- I didn't hear about it for almost a month afterward. Of course, when her family finally tracked me down I dropped everything and headed straight for the belated wake they were holding for her in St. Louis (as opposed to the one I'd missed in Georgia, where she'd lived most recently).

Anyway, we all knew she hated religion. So it was kind of weird to have her wake in a church...but it was a church that had been converted to a restaurant owned by her parents so we'd all worked there with her and had some truly amazing and wonderful times there so it ultimately made sense.

However, it was painfully difficult to watch one of her Jesus-freak counselors from a christian-camp-for-troubled-youths (which her parents had forced her into) take the podium and start badmouthing her, even calling her an "ugly duckling" at one point.

But what could we do? He meant well, in his own bastardly way, and no one wanted to start any trouble...especially not at the church/restaurant with her parents right there.

But her older sister had no such compunctions. Afterward, she came up to each of us who REALLY knew her sister, made us each take several shots of pilfered bar liquor, and then wrote across each of our wrists, "W.W.L.D.?"

As in, "What Would Leah Do?"

Some thought it was in bad taste...but fuck it. The truth is the truth.

Personally, I think she would've loved it.

Anyway, that's how we started coping, at least.

:-\